first day of spring 2021.

YOU GUYS, it’s the first day of spring 2021. This feels like a really big day. A really important day. I’m not sure why but I’d like to explore it here.

Last year, the year 2020, we did not have a spring. We were trapped inside for WEEKS. We could go for walks but we couldn’t go outside for too long and we couldn’t GO ANYWHERE. Last spring was really, really hard. Everyone really, really hated it. Okay, you get it.

I remember going to Target one day last spring, it was the only place I felt I could go that was fun but also a grocery store. Because we weren’t supposed to go to fun places. We weren’t welcome there.

JK because fun places WERE NOT EVEN OPEN. THERE WAS NOWHERE TO GO. TARGET WAS ALL THAT I HAD.

So anyway I went there and the last time I had been there the trees had been bare but then this particular time they had flowers and I realized in this moment that all of my fav spring trees around the town were currently flowering AND I WAS MISSING IT.

This is from April 2020. Knife in my heart.

And then I cried. Just cried right there in front of Target, waiting in line for my turn to go inside wearing a mask and feeling weird and sad about everything.

Flowering trees are important to me.

But more than that, spring is important to me and I think spring 2021 is going to make up for last spring and also be its own spring and we’re going to have a great time.

We’ve already figured out some safe ways to do fun shit and in some ways the fun shit is more fun than before. for example, I LOVE SITTING OUTSIDE. I want to sit outside and eat every day forever and ever, amen. It brings me so much joy and I’m glad it kind of became a year-round thing even here in the northeast.

Let’s keep it! CAN WE PLZ KEEP IT.

It’s also now normal to meet up in parks in a big group as a social event. Maybe that was normal for some people in the before times but for me personally it wasn’t something I saw happen often. I guess for folks without kids it was more like “let’s do drunk brunch at a restaurant establishment.” But now ALL people are into drunk brunch BYOB picnic in the park type events and I am HERE FOR IT, as they say.

We have so many options for fun and safe things to do this spring and our cups runneth over and again it brings a tear to my eye. I can’t wait to get out there and greedily drink in everything this spring has to offer.

It’s going to be double spring so bring your allergy medicine and rain boots and baby chickens and I’ll see you there.

*I wrote this on Saturday 3/20. I know THAT was the first day of spring and not today. Thx.

xmas wrapping.

I’d like to discuss xmas wrapping. It turned into a more interesting activity this year, due to the fact that I’m trapped in my home and looking to turn anything into an interesting activity.

A full 13 years ago (WTF?!), I started my first adult job in Manhattan as a Production Assistant on the show “Car Wars with Funkmaster Flex.” The office was located on 21st or 22nd or something, and 6th Ave. You may be aware that on 6th Ave in that area there is a CONTAINER STORE.

I had never been to The Container Store! My boss sent me there one day for some kind of nonsense but I didn’t even care because I WAS GOING TO LOOK AT CONTAINERS OF ALL KINDS.

It was December, so they of course had all kinds of Xmas stuff out. But one of those Xmas things was an ENTIRE CART dedicated to Xmas wrapping. A whole little cart you could keep in an extra room in your house and just use for present wrapping because you really had your shit together and so many presents to wrap.

And also you had a whole extra room in your house.

I truly aspired to one day possess this xmas wrapping cart. I could just see myself as a stay at home rich person, wearing cashmere leisure wear with an apron because I was also baking cookies. I had a ton of stuff to do to prepare for the holidays but I made it look perfect and effortless. This was my future!

This was not my future. Despite not trying very hard I never got rich! In fact quite the opposite. Wow, what a shock.

So for many of my adult years I half-assed xmas wrapping. Most of the time I just brought my gifts home to my parents and wrapped them with paper my mom already had. It seemed like a waste anyway, because the paper only gets torn off and discarded. It’s far from sustainable and therefore not trendy.

Listen, I’m glad “sustainability” is now in everyone’s consciousness because it’s important, but it’s also fair to call it a “trend.” Because it is. For now.

Anyway, I definitely didn’t sustainably wrap presents this year, if that’s what you were wondering. I actually went super hard and really wanted to get a lot of materials so I could have a lot of fun. I needed an activity. I NEEDED TO ENTERTAIN MYSELF. I went to “Wondershop” at Target and got a ton of shit.

THESE. ARE. AVOCADOS. IN. SANTA HATS.

Bags and wrapping paper and bows and labels! I wanted to get ribbon but I drew the line there, because it’s pretty expensive for not a lot of ribbon. I think.

I didn’t really buy wrapping supplies with certain gifts or people in mind either. I just bought what I loved and piled it all into a pile, Grinch style but I wasn’t throwing it off a cliff.

I was bringing it home to throw all over my floor so I could choose to wrap presents based on my whim at that moment.

A WHIRLWIND

Unfortunately I don’t have that wonderful gift wrap cart I once aspired to, and my gift wrapping supplies are stored in a box in my hallway on top of some other boxes and everything is really a mess. I really don’t have enough room in my house for all of my fun shit.

I’ve been wrapping presents a little at a time because wrapping hurts my back A LOT. Again, I do think that the cart would help with that because it would allow for me to stand and wrap in a designated wrapping space. Just like a stand up desk!

Even though my back hurts I’ve really been enjoying it. It’s calming to roll out paper, and cut the paper, and tape the tape, and pop on a bow. Then you’re done! And you can wrap the next one. It’s even fun putting gifts in bags, and I enjoy the satisfying “fluff” of tissue paper; getting it just right.

My back hurts 😔

I hope you enjoy your xmas wrapping as well. It’s a year unlike any other and we may not get the chance to really enjoy dumb stuff like this again because we’ll be too busy once we’re allowed to leave our houses for real. You know what I mean.

target brought out the school supplies.

You guys, Target brought out the school supplies.

Already! This is an end of summer signal! Please say it’s not true!

Okay maybe it. can be true. As much as I love summer, I ALSO LOVE SCHOOL SUPPLIES.

I was walking around Target on Wednesday and as I approcahed the seasonal area i was wondering like, “hmmm what’s gonna be in the seasonal area?” As I turned the corner I saw bright yellow….like a school bus…LIKE BACK TO SCHOOL.

I ran on over to check it out. At first it was just the regular classic colored notebooks and folders.

Which like, these are fine. I’d even use these and they even still excite me.

But then.

BUT THEN.

There were unicorns and glitter and flowers and fun colors and also PIZZA all over the place!

This is the stuff that REALLY CALLS TO ME. And by “calls to me” I mean it says, “BUY ME.”

It was the hardest struggle of my life, but I didn’t buy any, and I’m proud! The truth is, I don’t need any school supplies because I’m not in school. I do like writing in journals and I have enough of those for now. We have enough pens around the house that we’ve taken from local restaurants. I don’t need to get them at Target.

EVEN IF I WANT TO, because look at these they are pens IN A STRAW SHAPE! I was going to say “pens that are also a straw” but looking back I don’t think the straw part of it was functional. As a straw.

Just a pen.

BUT STILL.

I can only hope that in a couple of weeks the stuff will go on sale and it would just be a bad idea NOT to buy it. It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.

press-on nails vol. 2 – pedicure edition.

During this terrible time in world history, one of our greatest challenges is dealing with the closure of nail salons. This closure happened RIGHT at the beginning of pedicure season and the situation is DIRE. So I have resorted to using press-on pedicures because I refuse to paint on anything.

I can’t deal with the painting on.

I JUST CAN’T.

The press-on pedicure I used for this post, which is still on my feet TWO WEEKS after applying it, was purchased at Target. It’s a Kiss product. They really have a hold on the press-on stuff market. But I’ve tried some other brands too, which I will tell you about another day.

To get started on this at home pedicure, I first applied a Dr. Foot foot mask from Grace and Stella.

I had no expectations for this foot mask, because I got it for free when I ordered some eye pads I still haven’t used. It’s usually sold for $20 so I was glad to get something like that for free. I mean come on.

You apply Dr. Foot to your feet and then put some socks on over him and you sit around for a while. I think at least an hour but I already forgot.

When you take the mask off, you don’t see much. Your feet are still there, and they look the same. BUT over the next couple of days your feet start to shed rough skin and it flakes off all over the place. Yes that is gross AF and I’m sorry. But it also means that this mask is KILLIN IT. And in time your feet will be softer and better.

Mine are ALMOST FULLY softer and better and this was two weeks ago. The effects last for LITERAL WEEKS. I just ordered another one today because it was definitely worth $20.

Okay enough about the foot mask. Next up I glued on the nails! Each fake nail has a little tab at the top so you can place it on your nail and not get glue all over your life. Which is the worst.

Once it’s firmly glued on you can remove the little tab. Once you remove the tabs, BOOM! Pedicure!

I did still end up getting glue on my life. Also this is terrible lighting.

The one thing I didn’t love about these is the glue tube. It’s not the best way to deliver the glue, and if you need to do touch ups later on, glue in a tube is harder to use after it’s been opened. The first press on manicure I did had stickers already on the nails that worked pretty well. I wish they all had that.

I’d recommend a press-on pedicure! Just because these are desperate times. I’d give this a 3 out of 5 compared to an actual pedicure. The first press-on manicure I did had me thinking I might never go get my nails painted again, but I do think a pedicure is best done by a professional. I can’t wait to get back into that massage chair with a magazine.

press-on nails vol. 1

I’ve been struggling with having un-manicured nails and messy, bloody cuticles during this worst time of our lives. I came across press-on nails as a possible solution.

I vaguely remember press-on nails from childhood. They were at the big box stores and they were cheap and they were crappy. And I was against them. At one point I procured some for “dress up” purposes and they stuck to my fingers for like 3 hours and then fell off. My faith in them was no more.

Press-on nails were something I hadn’t thought about since 1993 when I came across this the other day, which led me to this, and a new fascination with press-on nails was born in my mind.

kiss imPRESS false nails.

So I went and ordered a few of the recommended kinds online. But they won’t be here for DAYS so when I went to Target the other day I picked up a pack of these Kiss imPRESS False Nails. Because I could not wait. I COULD NOT…wait. My nails are a mess and therefore my life is a mess. My life is a mess and therefore my nails are a mess? Whatever. Either way the whole thing is a flaming garbage fire mess.

When I got home, I sat down and took off the pathetic attempt at a manicure I did on Monday.

Then I cleaned my nails with the little alcholol pad they provided.

Next I went nuts on my cuticles with a new cuticle clipper I also got during this particualr Target trip. I thought it would be better to clip them with the clipper instead of bite them. I don’t know if it was better as it seemed just as bloody.

After about 5 hours of doing that, I used the alcohol wipe again to be safe. THEN IT WAS TIME TO STICK ‘EM ON.

One by one, I tested out the different sizes on my nail beds to find the best match. Once found, I removed the sticker on the back, then stuck it on my nail. I held down on the nail for 30 seconds and pushed from side to side and up and down. APPLYING PRESSURE LIKE THEY SAID.

And you know what? It totally worked! It’s not my most favorite manicure of all time, as the color choices were limited at Target, but my nails look way better! I don’t start to have a panic attack and feel like I’m going to throw up when I look down at them typing on my keyboard. I am one step closer to sane and I have press-on nails to thank.

As the different brands of press-on nails I ordered start to roll in, I’m going to tell you about them. Because like what else do I even have to talk about? I’d like to give these a rating to on a scale of 1 to 5 I will say 3.5. This is great but I do think it can go up from here.

Have you ever tried press-on nails? What did you think?

feed the birds.

This gosh darn old AF gal knew it all along when she used to sing it to us…FEED THE BIRDS.

I loved that old lady. I wanted her life. And I thought the dad was a such a dick the whole time, which I guess you were supposed to. But he was a HUGE dick in this part like JUST LET THE KIDS FEED THE DAMN PIGEONS. LET THEM FEED THE BIRDS.

Pigeons are my favorite. Don’t even start with me.

But I love all birds! Birds are fun. First of all, they’re everywhere. They are all around us: city, country, mountain, river, on top of a tall building, they don’t give a SHIT. Since they’re everywhere, they can help you connect to nature at any given moment. Even on a very busy city street you can hear a chirp chirp chirp of a little house sparrow and you’re like, “Okay. This isn’t humans-only. I can deal.”

In these depressing times I have been looking out the window a lot. LIKE A LOT, A LOT. I know everyone is, because there are memes about looking out the window. A lot of memes. LIKE A LOT, A LOT. But one important thing I’ve had more time to look at are birds. AND I AM ALL ABOUT THE BIRDS. And I want to feed the birds.

meet the birds.

There is a cardinal that lives on my block. I believe there is only one bright red cardinal that you would think of as like a CARDINAL cardinal on my block and it is the boy one that is the boss around these parts. We have seen two lady OR juvenile ones. They could be either, we aren’t professionals and we don’t really know. A cardinal sound is the only sound I can recognize by sound and I hear it start at the same time every morning and it goes on and on the whole day through.

There is also a pretty consistent mourning dove that perches on the electrical wire thing outside my front windows. Oh I can also recognize that one by sound. But it makes me want to fall asleep. But it’s also calming. I guess it’s fine.

Yesterday I spotted a bluejay! I just saw the flash of its tail. I didn’t know what sound they make so I looked it up. Now we know. Spoiler: They sound like screech-y dickheads.

Along with these brighter bird stars are the less glam house sparrows and the sadly named starlings. House sparrows are cute and seem sweet but mostly they’re just basic. They’re the basic bitches of the bird world. Like they’re fine but there are a lot of them and you can’t tell them apart. There are actually a ton of types of sparrows that look exactly like house sparrows but they’re technically different kinds. I don’t have time for their bullshit. They all have the same feathers and got their hair done at the same place IF YA FEEL ME.

Starlings are an invasive species and I feel bad for them because it’s not their fault, forgive them for their fathers’ sins and all that, but they do pick on other birds and I don’t like their tone. They also keep boning constantly in the tree behind my house while I’m trying to eat breakfast and frankly it’s disrespectful.

Okay a Google search of both starlings and house sparrows dug up a ton of hot goss on them both and it’s not pretty so we’ll have to explore that another day. They both seem like total assholes and can be the bad guys in this story. Every story needs bad guys!

feed the birds.

Now that you’ve gotten a preview of the cast of bird characters, I’m going to tell you how to feed the birds.

Birds like bread…I think. I ordered a suet thing from Amazon and a little holder to hold it and I was all excited about it but some piece of shit person stole it from the front of my house. I hope they stole that box and opened it and were pissed it was bird stuff. No one likes bird stuff like I do. This piece of shit person probably never even realized that birds even exist. Let’s kick them.

Anyway I was super depressed due to the stolen suet and pretty much could not be consoled for hours. Finally I realized we had a stale Portuguese roll from EXTRA Supermarket so I broke it up into bird sized pieces and put it on the fire escape. I was desperate. I wanted to view birds and become one with birds and eventually become an actual bird so I could fly out my window and far, far away from here.

Birds came! Birds came to eat it. Some sparrows came, that was pretty much it. But it was a start. A squirrel also stopped by and I had to shoo it away. I like squirrels but THIS WASN’T FOR OR ABOUT THEM. By morning, all of the small pieces of bread were gone.

Was it birds? Was it squirrels? WAS IT WIND?! I don’t know but I did know that I had to get to Target early this morning and get some god damn birdseed immediately.

ATTRACTION!

So I got it. Brought it back.

(These aren’t real birds)

Poured it into an old cookie sheet because I don’t have a bird feeder and neither did Target.

Put it on the fire escape…

AND WAITED.

Only a squirrel came at first. It was pissing me off so I gave it some peanut butter to get it out of the way. I didn’t mean for it to take the tiny plastic container I put the peanut butter in. I thought it would lick the peanut butter out, like how a dog or cat would. I don’t know squirrels’ lives. I don’t know squirrels at all because it snatched it up and ran into a tree and down the street and out of my life forever.

Squirrel vid.

I know this is bad for squirrels, the environment, and the delicately balanced ecosystem. I promise not to do it again. It’s a desperate time and we all make mistakes. I’m sorry.

After I drove the squirrel away I set up my phone to get some video, and let it sit for 60 minutes. Almost nothing happened…but at the end the cardinal came and sat in the tree for a moment and thought about eating the bird seed! It also made cardinal sounds, so maybe it was alerting others to a new food supply. I hope it comes back tomorrow!

Cardinal!

I look forward to updating you on the full cast of birds during this time of boredom and crisis.

ode to this trail mix i designed.

The most important thing I have learned about during this period of social distancing is Target’s Peanut Butter Monster trail mix. But I have tried to best that with this trail mix I designed.

Target’s Peanut Butter Monster is a fantastic, mind-blowing blend of peanut butter chips, peanut butter M&Ms, chocolate chips, little mini peanut butter cups, peanuts, and maybe some other stuff. There is a regular just “Monster” trail mix, without the “Peanut Butter,” but that mix is an insult to our tastebuds and should not even be considered.

Peanut Butter Monster, reduced to rubble.

Peanut Butter Monster has made every day of being trapped in my house just a little bit more bearable. But Peanut Butter Monster has one flaw: IT HAS RAISINS. UNFORGIVABLE.

Raisins are useless and Peanut Butter Monster needs to be taught a lesson. I’m only doing this for its own good, because I know it can be better and I want to push it harder.

Therefore, I went to nuts.com and made my VERY OWN trail mix. I’m going to tell you about the trail mix I designed. It has: peanuts, chocolate covered pretzels, dark chocolate covered peanuts, dark chocolate covered almonds, peanut butter chips, Reese’s Pieces, peanut M&Ms, and dark chocolate chips. WOW! IT’S INCRED!

U R the best.

Now, this isn’t a trail mix for hiking or like giving to your kids for their (homeschool) lunch bag. This trail mix I designed is intended to be A DESSERT. And I have been CONSUMING IT LIKE ONE. I really enjoy that nuts.com offers this option and I’m looking forward to designing more blends in the future.

The maximum serving I can have without getting a stomachache.

Peanut Butter Monster, BE WARNED.

(jk I currently have two 2.5lb containers of Peanut Butter Monster hidden in a cardboard box with my canned supplies waiting for the REAL apocalypse.)

target takeover lewk.

Yesterday we went to Target on 611 in Warrington, PA. We took over. This is my Target takeover lewk.

I’ve told you about how our Target in Jersey City is usually ravaged AF and picked clean of all most desirable Target items.

But the Target in Warrington is a ONE FREAKIN EIGHTY MY FRIENDS.

They have everything!

Do yourself a favor and go to a middle of nowhere suburban Target immediately.

Dress, Saloni. Necklace, JCrew. Jacket, Kanibal&Co. Boots, Dr. Martens. Hair clip, ban.do.

valentine’s day at target.

You may be aware that I’m obsessed with Target. You may be aware that ALL WOMEN of a certain age (or quite possibly ALL AGES) are FULLY OBSESSED with Target. This post is about Valentine’s Day at Target.

Actually now that I have you here, this post is about more than Valentine’s Day at Target. This post is about jumping on board with Valentine’s Day and just fully giving myself over to the fun. Admitting to myself and to the world that there is nothing I’d rather do than giggle, eat candy and other seasonal special sweet treats, smell and admire a lovely arrangement of flowers, and be among and one with pink, red, and sparkly shit.

For many years I scoffed at Valentine’s Day. I was like “Screw Valentine’s Day.” I was one of THOSE. I don’t know what I was so pissed about but I doubt Valentine’s Day had directly hurt me in any way.

Why would I SCOFF about a bright and delightful and treat filled holiday that comes to sweeten things up literally and figuratively RIGHT WHEN WE NEED IT MOST?! Like, it’s freezing cold and raining and snowing and there is no sunlight and we’re all very pale and have a cold and January lasted for five years and it’s time for something happy.

IT IS TIME.

I don’t see any OTHER February holidays stepping up to bring us joy. Presidents Day, looking at YOU.

My clearest memory of Valentine’s Day as a kid was its mention in the Samantha Parkington American Girl books. Samantha Parkington is the basic bitch of American Girl dolls but the one thing that stuck with me is that in one of her books they made valentines. They were making them with glue and like…scraps. She was hanging out with her aunt making these scrapentines and I thought that sounded really cool.

So in the back where they hid the real historical info I located the passage about the valentines. They saved scraps for valentines for real in Victorian times! Scraps from magazines and newspapers and little pieces of ribbon or fabric from making their own clothes (I guess). And they kept them in a special box, and every year they took that box out to make valentines. Like how freakin cool is that?!

Okay maybe YOU don’t think it’s cool. But it was an exciting moment for me. To find out that ladies with free time been crafting since forevs. I was young and impressionable. Also they could have just made all this up because I couldn’t really confirm it anywhere on the internet.

The idea of “Galentines” is what got me fully back on board with Valentine’s Day at a level I haven’t been on since like, 11th grade. I was like “OMG valentines can be your FRIENDS?! You can celebrate FRIENDSHIP and still eat sweet treats and not miss out on pink and red sparkly shit and other various seasonal crafts?! SIGN ME UP.”

This all ties in with Valentines Day at Target because I now ENJOY THE HECK OUT OF frolicking through target looking at Valentine’s Day shit. I will buy anything. I mean that goes for anything at Target. I will buy anything out of anything at Target.

Target has Valentine’s Day versions of LITERALLY EVERY candy and snack.

THEY HAD VALENTINE’S DAY MUDDY BUDDIES. Do you know how I feel about Muddy Buddies?

I FEEL REAL GOOD ABOUT MUDDY BUDDIES.

There were so very many cute valentines for kids to take to school with them.

Unicorns, dinosaurs, cartoon characters that I don’t know of that only little kids care about, EVERYTHING.

Best of all, they had fun decorative treats for adults. Adults like ME that like to buy shit. I got these birds because I’m trying to have some birds for every holiday:

So far I have birds for Halloween, Xmas, and now Valentine’s Day.

NEXT UP IS OBTAINING TARGET BIRDS FOR THE VERNAL EQUINOX. KNOWN TO SOME AS “EASTER” BUT I DON’T THINK OF EASTER IN THE CHRISTIAN SENSE, THX.

I also got this very fun little wreath made out of metal and string. I probably could have made it myself but that wouldn’t have been as fun as going to Target to get it.

Additionally they had fun sprinkles and baking shit so I got some to make cookies! I gave the cookies out at book club and I should have made more cookies to bring to work for Valentine’s Day but I got too tired. We’re in the middle of the cold, dark, terrible, soul sucking winter, after all.

So what I’m saying is, enjoy Valentine’s Day. There is some fun and colorful and delicious shit going on. Don’t be a grump and miss out on it. Honestly it’s all things you can even do by yourself.

You can eat candy by yourself, and cookies and cupcakes. Yes, you are fully capable of eating by yourself. I do it all the time!

You can buy yourself flowers. I highly recommend it. I didn’t get myself flowers this year because I live far away from the world on The Hill now and I didn’t feel like carrying them from Kanibal to my house. But if that irritating geographical roadblock wasn’t looming in my path I totally would have.

Cook yourself dinner, take yourself on an adventure, write yourself a card. Screw it.

Also, GALENTINE’S. Today (Feb 13) is the day for the gals, but my friends and I are celebrating it on Saturday at Porta. Porta does a great job at all things, but Galentine’s is one of their crowning achievements. There are drink specials and food specials and fun activities and decorations and it’s a very joyful and celebratory time. AGAIN, it is a bright shining beacon in the bleak landscape of winter. I can’t even deal with winter anymore I’m struggling and hanging on by a thread.

So hopefully if you’re a gal or pal of gals I’ll see you at Porta Jersey City on Saturday 2/15 between 11am and 4pm and we will smile and laugh and drink and cheers and celebrate all that is bright and sweet in the world. Like all of us are.

Awwwwwwwbarffffff.

can I build stuff?

There comes a time in all of our lives when we ask ourselves, “Can I build stuff?”

I don’t know, can you?

If you can build stuff, I’m very impressed and you should be proud. Because I am proud of you. It’s bad ass to be able to build stuff! And I mean like actually build stuff from scratch. That is badass AF.

Just like, the formula of “Random pieces of wood + implements that hold random pieces of wood together = useful furniture and other items that are also possibly strikingly beautiful” is so completely mind blowing I can’t even stand it.

As far as ME asking myself “can I build stuff?,” that mostly applies to stuff I got at Target or Wayfair or worst of all IKEA. That’s the only stuff I can (kind of) build. Stuff with an instruction manual. Even though usually that instruction manual is ostensibly in another language and makes no sense and that’s not because I’m looking at the wrong (for me) non-English side.

I paid a man to build this. A professional man.

I take a dig at IKEA here because I’ve only ever gotten one thing from IKEA and it was a piece of shit wardrobe that fell apart after like a year. That wasn’t even the worst part, because getting the wardrobe delivered was the worst part. It wasn’t even built and was in pieces and they couldn’t figure out how to get to my house when I was home during the agreed upon delivery hours and the delivery people kept yelling at me when they were the ones that blew it. If it was a normal company run by normal people and not the deplorable troll people that run IKEA then maybe it would have worked out okay.

I’m sorry IKEA, I’ll probably still buy shit from you in the future and you’re just going to have to accept that I called you deplorable troll people.

You can call me whatever you want in return, I don’t care.

In the past have built this dresser from Target:

By “the past” I mean…omg I built this thing 10 years ago because I got it for Xmas in 2009 WHAT IS MY LIFE.

But it’s still here! I keep it in my bathroom because it’s sadly falling apart and only two of the drawers work but it holds my extra products and all of my Birchbox samples and more. It’s wedged in a corner because the wall literally holds it up.

But I love the drawer handles! I got them at the now defunct Two Buttons in Frenchtown, NJ.

At work we had to build our own desks and it didn’t enjoy that. We got these really cool state of the art stand up desks and I was so pumped about them. Then they arrived and I was like, “wait what? I have to BUILD THIS?”

And in my own house, by myself, it would have been fine. But at the time I worked in an office with 4 dudes. All of them perfectly nice, do not get me wrong.

But I am very socially awkward about doing skills in front of people unless I am VERY GOOD at those skills. And I am NOT very good at building stuff. And I was nervous and moving too fast and my hands were shaky and slipping and I could not figure out how to build that thing. Because I knew deep down that I didn’t know how to build said thing and would need to ask for help. And I felt like the patriarchy had been proven right and I was making women everywhere look bad and incapable and incompetent and I COULDN’T EVEN BUILD MY OWN DESK.

So I had to ask for help. But just know that I didn’t like it. I liked the help because my male co-workers are kind and they were 100% not having any of these thoughts and I’m just a crazy person. But I didn’t like the asking.

This Xmas I got a desk and chair from Santa (thanks parents!) and I worked on building them yesterday.

Here’s a time lapse of me building them in my black sweatpants leisure jumpsuit:

And they’re built!

The desk is from Target and was very simple to assemble, I just had to attach 4 legs. The chair is from Urban Outfitters and for some reason I had some trouble with it even though I only had to attach the bottom part. Again I am not a professional. Or maybe that’s the first time I’m saying it but again I am not a professional.

Finished!

I’ve had to build or put together things or change lightbulbs or kill spiders my whole adult life because I’ve never lived with a dude. The truth is…I don’t actually kill the spiders. I allow them to stay around because they eat other less cool and less evolved bugs. It’s just science. But it’s true that I do all the other stuff.

One time a dude I “hooked up with” or whatever sometimes over the course of a year or so but only between 3am and 8am came over at 4:18am and there was a bookshelf outside in the hall that my roommate had gotten delivered. It was too heavy for one gal to move out of the hall, so the dude helped me move it into my apartment. This was the nicest thing he ever did, but he never really did anything mean. He was just kind of…there. V quiet, v shy. Maybe he was just blackout drunk every day, but who’s to say? Case in point the next morning he did not recall helping to move the bookshelf. Wait…did it even happen?

Anyway, that’s the only time a dude has helped. That’s a lie, my dad helps sometimes. Thanks Lexx! And I still have the bookshelf. But it has seen better days.

Have you often asked yourself “can I build stuff?” Do you build stuff? Do you pay someone to build stuff? Do you make your dad build stuff? Are you a badass that can build like REAL STUFF like tables and benches and rocking chairs and HOUSES? I wanna know. Please share your tales of building excellence, no matter how big or small.