what to wear during your holiday break vol. 2.

One of my favorite posts to put together last year was “what to wear during your holiday break” and now I’m back for more.

As you may know this year was a completely different year from last year and we all spent a ton of time sitting around our houses on our asses. We’ve been wearing lazy clothes while hiding in our houses this entire year and we’re not going to stop anytime soon.

Overall I’m not really a proponent of lazy clothes. I like to “look cute” and “get dressed up.” I really, REALLY miss wearing black tights and dresses and makeup and real shoes. This is really, really hard for me.

But I thought it would still be fun to celebrate some lazy clothes because I got quite a few new lazy clothes this year and they’re kinda fun!

So here we go.

what to wear during your holiday break while you’re reading a book.

Yes I’m reading Home Body. Every single one of a certain kind of gal is currently reading it as we speak. I guess I’m just that kind of gal.

The kind of gal that likes amazing poetry without really knowing that much about poetry. But it’s amazing.

My outfit is from ACTA and it’s my favorite new lazy outfit. It’s really soft but not TOO soft. I love the material. I have a code for ACTA if you have any interest. Click here to go to their site and use code SHANIMAL15 for 15% off.

If not, move along.

what to wear during your holiday break when you want to fret over the impeding apocalypse but in a onesie.

This is a leopard onesie.

I guess it’s kind of intense and I think it’s a size too small because it’s not as comfy as I hoped.

It’s from Old Navy. The small size isn’t their fault, it’s just my assumption that I can still wear the same size I could wear back in March.

Which is an untrue assumption.

what to wear during your holiday break while protecting your bird from certain death.

Here’s a sports bra option for when you have to turn up the heat all the way for your bird and it’s too hot to live with a shirt on.

My tropical budgie pal Elvis needs to be protected from a draft at all costs. If he feels the slightest chill you can see in his face that he is terrified of his swift imminent death.

He needs to stay warm so we keep him warm. That’s what we do in this family. Even if human family members have to take our shirts off in the middle of winter. Bra top is from Free People.

what to wear during your holiday break to look out the window and feel sad because you miss your friends and family.

When it’s cold and I don’t want to deal with being outside but it’s still sunny and I need sunlight, I love to sit by the window.

I love to sit by the window and stare at the street and think about all the fun I’ve missed, Santa baby.

This year has been shitty. We all know it. A lot of us won’t see our families. I’ve been quarantining to see my parents and sister for Xmas but I won’t be able to see my brother and his family. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I’m choking on it. So is my mom.

So I’ll just sulk here by the window in my cropped “Jersey City” sweatshirt from JaneDO and tie dyed pants from Old Navy because like what else to I have to do?

what to wear during your holiday break while you adult color and/or reenact a preschool school photo.

I need to get back into adult coloring. It is fun, soothing, passes the time…all good things.

Adult coloring really relaxes the mind. For a long time I thought it was a hoax and a trap but my sister got me this adult coloring book a couple of years ago and it just feels good to do.

This also looks like a photo of me that I have from preschool that I’m going to try to find when I go home this week. STAY TUNED.

Oh PS the whole outfit is from Old Navy. I love the thermal top because it has moons and stars on it. A VIBE.

what to wear during your holiday break while wrapping presents but only a couple at a time because it really hurts your back.

I got this sweatsuit in the fall and I do love that it’s a like a MATCHING SUIT.

It’s also nice that it’s red so it’s festive and if I put on a green headband it’s red AND green and THAT is a beautiful thing.

Sweatsuit is Old Navy again. 85% of this stuff is Old Navy. As I said, I’m not usually a fan of lazy clothes but now that I pretty much wear them every day I like to have a lot of options and Old Navy has cheap but quality options. It may be cheap but it’s also soft and comfortable and I AM INSIDE OF MY HOUSE.

Also, wrapping presents really, REALLY makes my back hurt and I’m not sure why but if you have any tips plz share.

what to wear during your holiday break while you get in bed and wait for santa.

Oh shit did that sound sexual? It’s not, I just meant wait until it’s time to open your presents.

The time goes slow when you’re stuck inside, so it’s nice to be comfortable while you wait.

This is another full matching sweatsuit but it’s not very flattering so I’ll just reveal the top half. Some things remain sacred.

Best wishes for cozy holiday outfits for every single one of you, my friends.

nike run club app.

Friends, I’d like to use this time to tell you about the Nike Run Club app. A friend told ME about it so as your friend I am now going to tell YOU.

The Nike Run Club app is the single reason I have run more than one half assed time in the last two weeks. I HAVE RUN 8 TIMES IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS AND GOTTEN BETTER EVERY TIME.

I don’t know who I even am anymore but I don’t think I care.

my history of running.

Let me be clear, I have NEVER EVER been a runner. I always HATED running at my adult height, weight, size, etc.

As like a 7-10 year old I was super into running but then it was ONLY sprinting because we had this really fun “junior olympics” in our township every fall and I placed in at least the top 3 and often won in that 3 or 4 year period. AND I LIKE NOTHING BETTER THAN WINNING. Add standing on a podium in front of all the kids I went to school with and my dad (who made me do sports and I hated sports but I felt great when I did well at sport and he was proud, he was always proud anyway because he is a nice dad) and I was RIDING HIGH.

Like I got a PRIZE in the form of a medal AND I got to be the center of attention and I was pumped to know what running could do for ME in the long…run.

The answer is: nothing at all. I had my obligatory growth spurt at like 11/12 and then I was the full sized adult woman I am now and also had the same boobs. And it got so much harder to run. Like so, SO MUCH harder. At the same time I was also trying to master using my newly enormous-feeling, deadweight body to do back flips and jumps and cheerleading shit so I was like ok it’s gonna have to be one thing at a time because I’m not the athlete my dad tried to make me be. Just not in the cards.

Most of my peers, as in the other gals that were good at running when we were young, continued to be good at running. And the spring of freshman year of high school, I joined them on the track to try to get my ass in gear.

And it did not work. As I said, not in the cards. I felt so slow and sluggish. I got really bad shin splints. I thought it was insane and ridiculous and unnecessary to run in the rain and up hills and through corn fields where you could sprain an ankle at any second. It was just. Not. Worth it.

So I gave up because I wasn’t good at it. Which I would like to say is actually NOT some kind of terrible character flaw and is in fact HUMAN NATURE. Like if you you don’t NEED to do something to live and thrive and you’re not good at it, why would you KEEP DOING IT? That makes no sense. Just find something else. And spare me the “work hard and you’ll get good at it” thing. That whole idea can suck it.

Since that misguided flirtation with track and field freshman year of high school, and the forced running I had to do in gym class and cheerleading practice that I complained the whole way through, during my whole adult life I have not been running. I love working out! But I never wanted to run. Until like 2 weeks ago.

the running begins.

I have really been struggling with the weight I’ve gained while stuck inside, and my usual workouts were not helping. Listen, I know that weight loss is like 20% exercise and 80% diet. I think for me it’s actually 5% exercise and 95% diet. Either way I SUCK at the diet part because like WHY BOTHER, but the workouts seemed to help more in the past and I felt I had plateaued and they weren’t working at all. So on Thanksgiving after a lovely meal and some adult candy I was like, “When I digest this food and sober up, so it will probably be tomorrow, but I’ma HIT THE TRACK.”

And then I did. I set off with a goal of working up to a 7min mile. The first timed mile I ran was 8.21, not bad, I thought. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I don’t know anything about running and I don’t have a coach. I guess i’ll Google it. The “7min mile” was some bullshit they made us do at cheerleading practice in high school and I wanted to die and I don’t think I ever actually did it in 7mins because I was a little asshole and didn’t do what people told me to do if I found it ridiculous and arbitrary and unnecessary.

And it WAS ridiculous and arbitrary and unnecessary at the time, I stand by that. A 7min mile was not a valuable endurance benchmark for the type of sport and athleticism I was training for. So yes, I already said it BUT I STAND BY THAT.

But as an adult in the year 2020, I’ve gained a ton of weight and I don’t really have anything else to do so I was like why not.

nike run club app enters my life.

After that first run I asked around if anyone had running tips they could share and one friend was like “Nike Run Club app!” So I did my second run with that.

AND IT CHANGED EVERYTHING.

I still don’t love running and I think it’s pretty ridiculous as a sport. And also painful. Consistently painful. I even already injured myself and diagnosed myself with Cuboid syndrome, because I’m a doctor.

But the coach dude on the app, “Coach Bennett,” just talks you through it and says all the right things and basically brainwashes you into thinking everything will be okay. And I’m totally fine with being brainwashed. If it’s for my own good and it helps me get through something and it tricks me into thinking something terrible is fun, I AM FULLY ON BOARD.

It’s possible I use the word “brainwash” loosely and haphazardly, because I also referred to my successful experiences with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as brainwashing. But like either way, it’s positive brainwashing. And even better, a robot is doing it.

I guess “Coach Bennett” isn’t an actual robot but the means in which his message is delivered is 100% via a robot from the future. Because the future is now. The robot is my phone. “Coach Bennett” isn’t here. He doesn’t know who I am. He’s shouting into the void in a recording studio, but his message reaches me just the same.

And the message is, “running is okay.” Like, IT IS OKAY. I can make it through. I don’t even need to go fast. I can go at my own pace, I can zone out and listen to his voice, I can zone out completely and not listen to anything. And therein lies the beauty: running offers freedom from needing to think about anything.

ABOUT ANYTHING.

It’s also possible to link up your Spotify account and play your own playlists while you run. EVEN BETTER, they have custom playlists that they have made for their “Guided Runs” and from those playlists I have found new music I like for the first time in A WHILE. Listening to music I like while I’m running really helps me get it done.

And now I look forward to it. Yes I said that, I look forward to running. The Nike Run Club app has made me look forward to running. I wake up really early and I read the NYTimes morning daily brief email and wait for the sun to rise so it’s safe to walk to Lincoln Park and I get a medium hot black coffee with a coconut flavor shot and 1 mocha flavor swirl from the Dunkin Donuts on West Side Ave and I walk into the park and I look for the red tailed hawks and I say hi to the red tailed hawks and I finish my coffee and I check to see if the pond is frozen on that particular morning and wonder if I’ll see the yellow-crowned night heron they always advertise but I never see him and then I HIT THE TRACK and I press start on the Nike Run Club app and then it’s game on.

The other day “Coach Bennett” was talking about science biology stuff that goes along with running and I got so pumped up and was running along to the beat of my Spotify and shouting out “MITOCHONDRIAAAAA!” at the top of my lungs and it was the best day of my life.

This all happens before 9am and I like that even more. I take pride in the fact that I have forced myself into being a morning person. And I’ve never stopped feeling like I stole some of the day back. From who, I don’t know, “The Man,” I guess. But those 4 hours in the morning before 10am are ALL MINE and I’m never giving them back and now running helps me keep a firm grip on them.

And the Nike Run Club app helps me run.

Try it out, don’t be scared. You can find it in the App Store. It’s an app, you guys.

Let me know what you think!

thanksgiving at home.

Just a quick little recap of a Thanksgiving at home.

Or, a Thanksgiving without really going anywhere.

I was really stressed about deciding what to do for Thanksgiving. But in the end I decided not to risk it and to stay home at my own house.

Unfortunately I am far from having the culinary skills to prepare an entire Thanksgiving at home.

Luckily my mom was nice enough to prepare send all of the food to me! Via socially distanced delivery boy, which is my dad. I don’t think he likes to be called “delivery boy” even though he was one in this case. Sorry Lexx.

Delivery!

We woke up on Thanksgiving morning and had a leisurely biscuits and gravy breakfast.

After breakfast I insisted that we dress up because I always dress up on Thanksgiving even though it is mostly inside and I wear slippers the entire time.

Dressed up. Slippers out of frame.

Slippers were certainly worn for Thanksgiving at home.

At the last minute I decided to set the coffee table up like a real “table” and I felt really proud of it. I mostly didn’t think I had enough “home items” to make a cute little table but I DID.

We drank Irish coffees and mimosas and got pretty drunk before the meal, a time honored family tradition.

When we were ready I warmed up the food my mom sent and it was TIME TO EAT.

Before warming.

Cheesy bread, turkey, stuffing, 3 kinds of potatoes, green beans, etc. ALL THE HITS.

After we ate I demanded we go to Lincoln Park for a “hike” because at my parents’ we usually go into the woods behind their house for a “hike.”

“Hike”

It was a successful “hike” because we spotted a hawk!

“Hawk”

When we returned home I ate some cookies I made and pumpkin pie from Edible Underground and then it was time for bed.

The end.

the thanksgiving dilemma.

In April when all of this COVID stuff started and people were sad about not being able to get together for Easter, I was like “HAHA TOO BAD, EASTER SUX ANYWAY!” But now that it’s November and one of my favorite (although admittedly problematic) holidays is here, my mind and heart are consumed by the Thanksgiving dilemma.

The Thanksgiving dilemma is this: do I or don’t I go home for Thanksgiving?

A simple decision, of course.

JUST KIDDING IT’S NOT SIMPLE AT ALL.

I spent the better part of last week in a complete and utter frenzy. I only referred to it as a “frenzy” so it sounded fun and quirky to my boyfriend. It was actually a full on, days long panic attack.

It was incredibly difficult to decide what to do, as there were many factors and considerations and sources of information.

I was lucky enough to go home a ton of times over the summer and into the fall, when the “numbers” we’ve all grown to obsess over were down and things were a little calmer. I’m so happy I had the opportunity to do this, you don’t even know. Okay I’ll tell you: it was heaven on earth to go home all those times. I love home!

Yes I still refer to my parents’ house in Milford, NJ as “home.” Sue me.

So in considering if I should go home for Thanksgiving, one of my thoughts was, “I’ve already been home so much and it’s fine!”

But like…is it fine?

Then I decided I was going to get some COVID tests. We have them for free in Jersey City and I think it’s a great thing! And they should be free everywhere! MAKE THEM FREE NOW.

On Thursday last week I got a test, and I was planning on getting one on Tuesday 11/24. That seemed like enough time! Everyone I know that has gone back to work in person, mostly people who work in TV, get COVID tests weekly and then they are cleared to work. In my mind if a negative test was good enough for them and a green light to work, then it was good enough for me and a green light to go home.

BUT IT WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. As the days went by I saw more info graphics and articles shared and more memes about killing one’s grandma and I started to panic. I’m going to spare you and not share them here, but you can find them quickly if you look. Apparently even if you get a negative test it is NOT an “all clear” to go party with high risk people, like my grandma and uncle and my parents and my pregnant sister.

A few weeks ago it was my birthday, and I invited some friends to have outside drinks. One friend replied with, “We’re laying low until Thanksgiving so we can see my grandparents.” Of course I respected and honored their choice and would never mock it, but I did feel like it was unnecessarily cautious. The get together was on November 14th and Thanksgiving was so far away!

Narrator: Thanksgiving was NOT far away. Here comes the Thanksgiving dilemma!

In order for you to not catch COVID and not give it to other people, it’s recommended that you stay in your house and self quarantine for at least 14 days before getting together with people indoors. I think you can probably go for walks but you definitely can’t go out and have drinks, even if it’s outside. And you probably shouldn’t be going to workout classes, as I’ve been doing.

My friend was wise, and I totally blew it. Mostly because I’m bad at math.

The CDC actually says you should quarantine if you’ve been “in contact with someone who tested positive for COVID-19.” But like, if you’re out in the world, HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW?!

So this realization coupled with the realization that a negative test isn’t a green light and compounded by all of the “you’re gonna kill your grandma” memes really set me over the edge. Like, pushed me to the brink of my very sanity. I was not well. In my mind. But like who is?

My main concern, as always, is NOT being sick myself, but in making someone else sick. OR, finding out I’m sick after I’ve been around people and then having to TELL THEM and have like a “SERIOUS CONVERSATION” about it. I want to avoid that at all costs. That sounds like my worst nightmare.

The fear of me getting it myself is far less than the fear of infecting someone else. THAT is the shit that keeps me up at night. And always has.

Maybe I shouldn’t bring this up but I guess I will for what I think is a valuable comparison: I say “always has” because when I was single and dating and out in the world or whatever there was always the specter of STDs lurking in the background. And you had to have “the conversation.” And it was sickening and annoying.

(Side note: Don’t even get me started on how STDs are stigmatized and pretty much social suicide in our society for no good reason other than Puritanism and sex shaming and THE PATRIARCHY and if you get a cold or something and give it to someone there isn’t ANY social stigma and that doesn’t seem right. Like in both versions you got sick and someone else got sick from you. Either be okay with it or don’t be okay with it but please choose to give people a hard time about both illnesses equally if that’s what you’re gonna do. But that’s for another time.)

And if we didn’t have “the conversation” it would still be hanging over me, stressing me out, making me feel weird, causing me many sleepless nights. I really let the rumination get to that level. It added to my obsession with going to the doctor. I got so many tests and so frequently that my insurance company had to ask WTF was wrong with me. It was in a letter, I threw it out.

What I’m saying is, if you don’t have sex you won’t get STDs. It’s that simple. Of course there are ways to protect yourself AND YOU SHOULD but the risk is always there. But with COVID, there’s no way to truly get away from it if you’re just trying to live your life at a very basic level. There’s not a specific activity you can identify that’s going to give it to you. You know what is a higher risk and a lower risk, but it’s still everywhere and you don’t even have to touch anyone to be exposed to it.

Like, I just want to go outside, go to workout class, drink a beer with pals. I’ll wear the mask, I’ll do the sanitizer, I’ll stay away from people. AND I DO. But it’s still not 100% safe unless you hide in your house for the ordained amount of time and that’s just the way it is.

Now that COVID is a part of life it’s often necessary to have “the conversation” with the people around you. Like, “Have you been outside? Have you been inside? Have you taken off your mask? Did you go to an indoor party? Have you been tested? WHEN WAS YOUR LAST TEST?“

I find “the conversation” just as terrifying and annoying in a COVID context as an STD context. I will DO IT but I will not LIKE IT. Beyond just collecting the facts, in subtext it calls into question so many abstract, subjective things. Gray area things, like your “morality.”

Who is to say what is actually “moral”?! Perception is reality! I hope I’ve made it clear that I don’t care what anyone thinks and I never have and never will. No one can tell me what to do or judge/shame me into doing or not doing something. I cannot be stopped. But in this case, I was a little worried. Maybe not so much because I cared about people’s opinions, but more because it was important to me to be seen as a good example and someone who believes in science and is responsible. I was concerned about the COMMUNITY OVERALL AND MY CONTRIBUTION TO IT.

Also there’s no way I could have happily shared a Thanksgiving with my family on social media and avoided SOME type of persecution. And if it’s not on Instagram it didn’t happen so put that in your pipe and smoke it.

And so it went, for days on end, back and forth in my mind. Agonizing and struggling over the decision. Afraid to talk to any of my friends about it because if they had an opinion one way or another I felt it would stress me out more.

In the end, my mom made the call and ended the Thanksgiving dilemma. She was also going back and forth, but I think she felt like someone needed to make a decision, so she did. AND I AM SO GRATEFUL.

I REALLY COULD NOT HANDLE IT ANOTHER SECOND.

My mom graciously volunteered that she would still make the food and my dad would come drop it off. If that is not the most mom thing ever, I don’t know what is. But I DO know that I am super excited to eat the food!

Of course it won’t be the same, eating the food alone in my apartment with my boyfriend. But I guess it’s the best I can ask for this year. I think it’s okay to say that I’m still disappointed. Because I am. I’m not going to pretend that it was easy and I’m also not going to pretend that I feel 100% okay about this choice.

But a choice was made and I’m going with it. And I’ll just drink a ton of Irish coffees and mimosas tomorrow AS IS TRADITION and won’t let it make me too sad.

AND I won’t have to watch football because my dad won’t be in charge of MY TV. Yesssssss.

Please know that I support any of your Thanksgiving choices…I think. I know it was a really hard decision for me and it took days to really make peace with it. The Thanksgiving dilemma was easy for no one. So my heart goes out to you, whatever you and your family have decided.

Happy Thanksgiving, stay happy and healthy. I’ll delve into the issue of whether or not I want to eat turkey next year. Because it’s a big one.

i want to wear a fun outfit.

As usual I’m feeling really depressed about this whole thing and today it’s because I want to wear a fun outfit.

my fun outfits.

Okay yes I’m aware that I can wear a fun outfit any time I desire. I have a closet full of fun outfit materials. I could get dressed up to “go to work every day,” and put on makeup and jewelry and care about my hair. BUT IT HAS NO POINT.

And before you ask, I DO “dress for myself.” Like I’m not wearing anything to impress anyone or because someone told me to. But I AM wearing a fun outfit because I want to wear that outfit out into the world and I want to bask in the admiration of that world. Inversely I could also bask in the disdain, because no press is bad press, my friends.

“revealing” fun outfits.

Yes I’ve worn shorts and skirts that are too short, jeans that are too tight, very low cut tops, bathing suits for non-bathing suit activities that aren’t even near water, it’s true. These are my favorite things to wear. The chance of people being flabbergasted by the whole thing excites me. I challenge them to say something or give me a look. It would only make the whole thing more interesting.

Here in my own apartment there are no watchful, judging eyes. The challenge isn’t there. The adrenaline of opening the door to a bar and wondering who will be there and maybe it’s someone I know, and maybe it’s someone that doesn’t like me (I don’t waste my time disliking anyone but I’m careful to avoid those I believe dislike me because confrontation is my worst nightmare), or maybe it’s someone I want to see and I’m so happy to see them and approach them in my fun outfit and maybe even hug them.

I can’t believe I said I would hug them but this is the point of insanity I have reached.

fancy fun outfits.

Another favorite fun outfit pastime is wearing something fancy to a not so fancy thing. JUST BECAUSE IT’S FUN AF TO BE FANCY. LIKE WHY THE HELL NOT. I get a huge rush from people noticing or complimenting my outfit.

Am I the first person to admit this on the internet? Like I DO dress for ME, because it is MY FEELINGS that matter in this equation. Anyone can say anything about my outfit and I’m legit pumped. As I said, no press is bad press.

Soaring down Newark Ave on a spring day in a fancy embroidered (rented) Kate Spade dress and combat boots on the way to Departed Soles and some dude that’s friends with a dude you made out with at Pet Shop that one time and you’ve never even spoken to him and he yells, “Hello how are you? Nice dress!” As if he’s never SEEN a nice dress on this street before, THAT IS LIVING.

Wearing a tutu as often as your 4 year old niece and everyone starts to kind of expect that you’ll be wearing a tutu even to a backyard BBQ, THAT IS LIVING.

Walking into a party and meeting up with gal pals and wearing an outfit where your cleavage is kind of hanging out and they’re like <all making a face> because they’re just wearing jeans and t-shirts, THAT IS ALSO LIVING. PEOPLE ARE REACTING. THAT IS ENTERTAINMENT.

Also like, being known as “the gal that will always wear a fancy outfit” GIVES ME PRIDE. I NEED THIS PRIDE TO THRIVE.

I WANT TO WEAR A FUN OUTFIT. I also want to go to Pet Shop and Departed Soles again, UGH.

other people’s fun outfits.

The other side of this coin is other people’s fun outfits.

I WANT TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE’S FUN OUTFITS.

It’s great to be out in the world and around a bunch of other people because you can look at them and look at their outfits and make your judgements. My judgements have only been positive judgements for a long time. Like probably since middle school. I don’t have time to waste disparaging other people’s outfits. I’m too busy planning my own fun outfits, you guys. And I’m always looking for new ideas.

It really pumps me up to see someone else wearing a fun outfit or taking a fashion risk or just standing proudly and confidently in whatever they’ve chosen to wear. There isn’t enough pride and confidence among us.

music festival fun outfits.

The best place to see other people’s fun outfits is at music festivals, HANDS DOWN. Every year for the last many years, until this year (SOB), I have gone with my pals to Governor’s Ball. Gov Ball isn’t even the most outfit-y of the music festivals, that would prob be Coachella, but it is still SO FUN to see everyone’s outfits.

Every year “the youth” have a uniform, and they’re all wearing it. “The youth” would be the folks that are like, 23 and under. It’s usually a mix of some very small shorts paired with a very small shirt. It’s the shirt that has varied through the years. It’s been a halter, a bralette, a crop top, one year neon, one year tie dye. One year there was a weird amount of buffalo plaid that made sense to no one. But I love the youth for this. The consistency and mass acceptance of their wardrobe within their youth community comforts me.

For the rest of us, it’s time to wear a fun outfit! Some years I have gone all three days of the festival and had to plan an outfit for each. This took a great deal of time and commitment but neither of those things equaled the amount of SHEER PLEASURE I got out of selecting and wearing those outfits.

The past couple of years I have only gone for one day, so THAT outfit had to be THE BEST OUTFIT IN MY CLOSET. Or the best with some parts that were rented.

A music festival is like a different time and space with different rules and everyone is pumped about it. It’s a great place, a beautiful place. Everyone seems to feel excited and committed to wearing fun outfits proudly and confidently. There isn’t anywhere else like it and I wish it could be like that every day everywhere. Because most people don’t care that much about fun outfits, and I wish they did.

Fun outfits are like art. I mean I guess you could say they ARE art, you are the canvas. This idea is nothing new. I’m just writing it again but we’ve known it forever. I’m not creative or artistic, mostly because I have bad hand/eye coordination, but I do love a fun outfit.

AND I CAN’T WAIT TO WEAR ONE AGAIN WHERE EVERYONE CAN SEE IT.

What is the first fun outfit you’re going to wear and where are you going to wear it? I MUST KNOW.

press-on nails vol. 1

I’ve been struggling with having un-manicured nails and messy, bloody cuticles during this worst time of our lives. I came across press-on nails as a possible solution.

I vaguely remember press-on nails from childhood. They were at the big box stores and they were cheap and they were crappy. And I was against them. At one point I procured some for “dress up” purposes and they stuck to my fingers for like 3 hours and then fell off. My faith in them was no more.

Press-on nails were something I hadn’t thought about since 1993 when I came across this the other day, which led me to this, and a new fascination with press-on nails was born in my mind.

kiss imPRESS false nails.

So I went and ordered a few of the recommended kinds online. But they won’t be here for DAYS so when I went to Target the other day I picked up a pack of these Kiss imPRESS False Nails. Because I could not wait. I COULD NOT…wait. My nails are a mess and therefore my life is a mess. My life is a mess and therefore my nails are a mess? Whatever. Either way the whole thing is a flaming garbage fire mess.

When I got home, I sat down and took off the pathetic attempt at a manicure I did on Monday.

Then I cleaned my nails with the little alcholol pad they provided.

Next I went nuts on my cuticles with a new cuticle clipper I also got during this particualr Target trip. I thought it would be better to clip them with the clipper instead of bite them. I don’t know if it was better as it seemed just as bloody.

After about 5 hours of doing that, I used the alcohol wipe again to be safe. THEN IT WAS TIME TO STICK ‘EM ON.

One by one, I tested out the different sizes on my nail beds to find the best match. Once found, I removed the sticker on the back, then stuck it on my nail. I held down on the nail for 30 seconds and pushed from side to side and up and down. APPLYING PRESSURE LIKE THEY SAID.

And you know what? It totally worked! It’s not my most favorite manicure of all time, as the color choices were limited at Target, but my nails look way better! I don’t start to have a panic attack and feel like I’m going to throw up when I look down at them typing on my keyboard. I am one step closer to sane and I have press-on nails to thank.

As the different brands of press-on nails I ordered start to roll in, I’m going to tell you about them. Because like what else do I even have to talk about? I’d like to give these a rating to on a scale of 1 to 5 I will say 3.5. This is great but I do think it can go up from here.

Have you ever tried press-on nails? What did you think?

it’s earth day and i miss the earth.

Today is Earth Day and I MISS THE EARTH.

Going to add some photos of the earth and me enjoying it.

I miss the earth because I’m trapped inside and also trapped in a city and I can’t get to my most favorite parts of the earth and it is KILLING ME.

My apartment doesn’t count as “the earth.” My street doesn’t count as “the earth.” EVEN THIS CITY DOESN’T COUNT AS “THE EARTH” BECAUSE ALL OF THE GOD DAMN PARKS ARE CLOSED. OMG ALL THE STATE PARKS ARE CLOSED TOO. I’M GONNA LOSE IT.

A state park that’s closed 😔

The best parts of the earth are the emptiest parts. The emptiest of people, that is. A space almost completely devoid of humanity, is where i want to be. Currently I’m stuck in a highly populated part and I can’t escape. I really would like to return home to the forest of my origin but I am afraid to put my parents in danger. So I have to stay HERE.

I look mad but I still like it.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go out and protest this like a moron. It’s INSANE that there are people doing that. I realize that these restrictions on the earth are necessary to keep us safe and we have to follow them and bla bla bla. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T FREAKIN SUCK.

But alas, there is also some information out there that indicates the earth is much better off without me. And without you. AND WITHOUT EVERYONE. Like these maps are nuts to see. The earth is doing much better without us out there. But I still miss the earth.

I love Earth Day, and I get pumped about it every year. But this year it’s making me feel more depressed. Because everything I’m missing out on makes me feel more and more depressed. Basically FOMO is my least favorite thing in the entire world and OUR ENTIRE LIVES HAVE BECOME FOMO AND IT IS UNBEARABLE.

I MISS THE EARTH I CAN’T TAKE IT!

I want to go outside and be among the trees and the waterfalls and the mountains and lakes and rivers and all the other good stuff. Maybe I’m being a wimp by not leaving my house except to get groceries or sit on the stoop and read a book. I also don’t have a car so there isn’t anything to take me anywhere. I don’t know, I’m just really sad about the whole thing.

Either way, I wish a happy day to this lovely gal we call the earth. I love her, I miss her, and my dreams are full of wishes for the day we meet again.

UGH.

nervous habit i can’t stop.

I have one nervous habit that I can’t stop and that is BITING MY GOD DAMN CUTICLES.

That’s in caps because IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY. It’s gross, and ridiculous, and often quite painful. BUT IT’S A FORCE THAT CANNOT BE DEFEATED.

Ouch. 😔

It’s something that seems to happen automatically, without me knowing and often against my will. At many times during a regular day I find myself lost in thought, and when I awake from the majority of these daydreams a finger will be between my teeth and it’s usually bleeding. It’s a physical manifestation of the constant level of anxiety and unnecessary alert I deal with on a daily basis. So maybe if you ever wonder “how bad can it actually BE to have ‘anxiety’?” you can take a look at my poor bleeding fingers and get a bit of a better idea. A “BITE” of a better idea? Rude.

This nervous habit I can’t stop has been happening daily since the beginning of recorded time.

At my desk at school, I would bite my cuticles. In the outfield at softball practice, I would bite my cuticles. Waiting for the results of a cheerleading competition, I would bite my cuticles. Sitting at home watching SNL on a Saturday night because there was nothing else to do living in the middle of nowhere, I would bite my cuticles.

We even have a few home videos of cheerleading competitions, and I guess Lexx felt it was necessary to get some GOD DAMN B-ROLL because there is footage of me sitting on bleachers BITING MY CUTICLES. AND IT IS ZOOMED IN. I HATE MYSELF.

As a kid I was like, “Oh yeah, when I’m a grown-up I won’t do this anymore. I’ll grow out of it. It will go away.”

WELL GUESS WHAT IT DIDN’T GO AWAY.

Now the nervous habit I can’t stop haunts me while I’m at work. Like at work in an actual office with other people. Remember that? I would be stressed and just kind of zone out and bite bite bite for a little bit. Then I would wake up from my trance and be like omg I’m being so disgusting and like a NERVOUS CHILD right now. I have to STOP. So I would. Being in an office feeling shamed by the stares of others actually helped me.

Now that I’m at home and no one is watching me, it’s a free for all. And because I feel super sad and anxious and mentally hanging on by a thread, the cuticle biting is getting fully out of control. Add on that I haven’t been able to get a manicure in weeks and I refuse to do my own nails, and my fingers are all raw and bleeding. Every single one. THERE ARE OPEN WOUNDS ON MY HANDS. When I step outside, it’s that much easier to get infected by COVID-19.

But, while outside, the mask on my face does help. Also, needing to be hyper alert and aware and vigilant at all times helps a lot. For the couple of weeks before we were quarantined, as we slowly began to live in fear, I actually got much better about biting my cuticles. Because I was afraid to touch my face or put anything near my mouth.

The general anxiety I feel every day on a normal day is enough to set me spiraling into a chew hole, but now that the world is dark and full of terrors AND I am forced to stay at my GOD DAMN HOUSE all day I am biting my cuticles like crazy. I can’t stop.

My boyfriend yells at me, ineffective. My pal with a similar issue told me to wear gloves, I ripped them off after like an hour. I’ve been putting coconut oil and olive oil and other mystery oils all over my cuticles and hands in an attempt to make them fully moisturized and it HAS NOT STOPPED THE BITING. It goes without saying that I use regular hand moisturizer CONSTANTLY because it is still pretty much WINTER, but that doesn’t help either. I’m stuck in a dark hole, covered by bloody fingers.

The only thing that works, KIND OF, is getting a manicure weekly. When I was going and getting a manicure at Chillhouse every week, my cuticle injuries were at an all time low. Some days I didn’t even have ANY! IT WAS GREAT.

NOW THOSE HALCYON DAYS ARE OVER AND I AM STUCK WITH THIS NERVOUS HABIT I CAN’T STOP.

Do you have a nervous habit you can’t stop? What is it? Did you once have a nervous habit and now it’s gone? If so, HOW DID YOU GET IT TO GO AWAY?

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

english muffin pizza.

Yesterday for dinner I made a child’s meal, and that meal was English muffin pizza.

Maybe it’s not EXCLUSIVELY for children, I don’t know. But I DO know that we used to make it all the time as kids with my mom and it was so simple that it allowed the kids to do most of the prep work and the parents only had to do the stove part.

Now that I’m an “adult” I did most of the prep work and then asked my boyfriend to do the stove part. The stove actually really scares me, I don’t want to talk about it.

I used these 100 calorie multigrain English muffins that were just sitting around in our apartment and probably were going to start rotting away soon. I toasted the muffins in the oven a bit before I applied the sauce.

For the sauce I used a can of diced tomatoes because that’s what I had and also I think tomato sauce in a jar is disgusting. I added salt, pepper, oregano, garlic salt, and onion powder to the diced tomatoes in a bowl and I mixed it all up and smushed them. To make them more sauce-like. But not as sauce-like as sauce in a jar. Because I hate it.

After spreading the sauce, I applied some pepperoni slices that I cut into cute little quarters. English muffins are small and therefore require cute little meat ingredients. It’s the only way.

For the cheese I did some with shredded mozzarella/provolone and some with part of a slice of mozzarella on the top. Once the cheese was on, I sprinkled some salt and pepper on top of all of these cute lil pizza guys and threw them into the oven.

They were cooked at 400 degrees for like 10 minutes, or until the cheese was melted and the edges were golden brown.

Boom. English muffin pizza.

no shop Q1.

Today I’m here to tell you about No Shop Q1 and how I failed at No Shop Q1.

This year, 2020, the year of our discontent, I failed at no shop Q1. Last year, 2019, I was able to do it successfully. Oh and the year before! Jeez, I was killin it.

But this year I failed.

“No Shop Q1” is something I invented for myself as like a resolution/challenge/personal growth thingy. I have a hard time NOT shopping. In fact, I sometimes shop every day, even if it’s just a small thing, like a scrunchie. That still counts as shopping. But OMG isn’t it so exciting that scrunchies are BACK?!

New scrunchies!

I didn’t know what the quarters of a financial year were until a couple of years ago when I started doing invoice stuff at work. This was idiotic on my part because the quarters of a financial year are the same as a regular year, which has twelve months and four quarters with three months each quarter. Okay that’s enough math for now. But when I learned what the quarters were and how people referred to them in “business,” it made me laugh to use them describe stuff that happened in my personal life.

I laugh a lot.

So No Shop Q1 was born. The rules of No Shop Q1 in 2018 began as: No shopping for clothes, shoes, jewelry, or accessories. The rules casually extended to No buying shit for your house, aka towels, placemats, vases, rugs, assorted “knick-knacks,” etc, etc. In 2018 I was able to stick with this. I really didn’t shop at all! At the end of No Shop Q1 in 2018, April 1, I awarded myself with a Rent the Runway Unlimited subscription and I was like, “OMG I’ll never have to shop again!”

Plot twist: I DID shop again, despite the Rent the Runwaty Unlimited membership. Can’t stop won’t stop.

Last year I stuck to the first rule successfully, but brazenly punched the second rule in the face. I bought so so much shit for my house because I was moving on April 15 and I LOVE THAT HOUSE SHIT. IT GOT OUT OF HAND. But at least I stuck to not buying clothes.

This year, 2020, I was already ready to give up on the whole thing by March 1. Even BEFORE that, in February, Rent the Runway sent me an email like, “We miss you! Come back for 50% off the month!” And I was like OMG obviously I HAVE to do that and renting ISN’T BUYING, RIGHT? You’re still spending money on clothes, dumbass.

Of course I took the offer!

By the time we were locked inside on March 15 or so, I was hardcore back to shopping. I got a ton of bracelets, and accidentally shipped them to my office. So they’re there, waiting for me. I’ve been aspiring toward a badass stack of bracelets and I can’t wait to debut it when I have more of an audience than my computer screen.

A stack from the past that I was proud of.

Headbands also really caught my eye and I got one in every color.

Love the colors 😍🤤

Along with necklaces.

And fun earrings.

Last, I got some skirts to wear with t-shirts because that just felt right. I thought I didn’t have that many skirts and then I cleaned my closet and realized I do. But didn’t have any that are like the new ones I got yet so I consider that a win.

JK I lied I did already have a denim skirt similar to this new one 😬

After a week or so of online shopping sprees, I got sad that I wouldn’t be able to wear this stuff for a while. Like I actually DO NOT EVEN KNOW when I’ll be able to wear this stuff outside. And I decided that getting MORE stuff may make me MORE depressed…which would be unprecedented. But I gave it up for now, just in case.

Even though I’ve stopped for now, I still failed at No Shop Q1. I also already failed at a potential No Shop Quarantine. I guess I could do No Shop <any other of the Qs> or No Shop Summer? Wait there is no WAY I can do No Shop Summer. I need at least 4 more bathing suits.

Life is hard.