i hate jeans.

Guys, I really hate jeans. Like really, really hate them. And I’m going to reflect on that here. Because like, don’t hate, pontificate! But also I hate them. Additionally I will share some photos of me in jeans to display my ability to cavort comfortably with the enemy.

Let’s begin.

I hate jeans because they’re uncomfortable. THEY ARE SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I have never felt comfortable in jeans. I’ve tried every fit, brand, fabric, etc etc and I’ve never felt like my best self wearing jeans. There are some that fit great! And they look good in pics! And they feel OKAY but I wouldn’t say that I feel COMFORTABLE and like I can take over the world or anything.

They’re just jeans.

And that’s my second problem, they’re JUST jeans. I am so BORED by them. They’re classic and basic and predictable and I don’t want to be involved in any of that. That’s not me! I’m weird and wild and wacky. I am ABOVE jeans. I have ALLITERATION.

Jkjk I’m not ABOVE them. Like they’re fine. Rock jeans if you feel like your best self in them. I just don’t. I feel constricted and restricted. They hold me back. I can’t even kick my leg or do a cartwheel. It’s trash. And the trash is on fire.

I say this because I have ripped many pairs of jeans while kicking my leg or doing a cartwheel. This is the reality that I must deal with. Those were tight jeans, yes. So why don’t I wear loose jeans? Who wants to wear loose jeans?! Not me.

I do like a high waisted wide leg jean though. That’s kinda my thing now. Getting back into that style from middle school (1996-ish), when Limited Too had those wide leg jeans and they had like a blue thing in the back so you could tell they were from Limited Too. It was all about labels and being able to tell where something was from in 1996. I think I had one pair? Or I imagined that and I had no pairs. Limited Too was pretty much Chanel level in its unattainability for me so I didn’t actually have much from there.

I couldn’t find these Limited Too jeans on the internet to show an example and I am PISSED.

Also, I just really love leggings. I LOVE leggings.

I remember as a kid my mom wore leggings all the time and I was like “<eyeroll>NERD,” (sorry mom) but in college leggings came back in a BIG WAY and I was like wait a minute my mom was totally on to something. Leggings as pants were okay for some time there in the early 2000s and that was a best life situaish. Leggings as pants with Uggs or $5 black Old Navy flip flops – PERFECTION. I wish we could go back but alas we cannot.

So we soldier on.

I still love leggings but now with a dress or tunic-like top and combat boots. Honestly any casual outfit that would call for tights I wear leggings instead. My legs are warmer and they’re more comfortable than tights. I have a HUGE bin of tights that has not been used in over a year.

Again, the leggings allow me to kick my leg and do cartwheels WHILE WEARING A DRESS. They offer FULL COVERAGE while upside down! My 4 year old niece inspires me in a lot of ways but one of the MAIN ways is showing me that you can wear leggings or bike shorts under a dress and then literally take over the world.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

Which is to say you don’t even NEED jeans. They’re useless to me at this point. If I wanna feel cute AND be an all terrain being I just wear my dress with leggings or bike shorts underneath. Boom. Ready to go.

When I was a little girl and I misbehaved, my mom would threaten me that my punishment would be that I would need to wear pants to school for a week. AN ENTIRE WEEK?! I would rather die so this threat made me behave. I assume I was probably pretty manipulative, or at least TRYING to be manipulative as a 6 year old, so really getting to the root of something I would hate and offering that as punishment was necessary.

Did this reinforce my already existing hatred of pants, or did it create it? I don’t know but either way I hate pants to this day and will avoid them at all costs.

After a year of COVID time only 3 pairs of jeans fit in my FILLED TO THE BRIM SO I HAVE TO YANK IT OPEN AND KICK IT CLOSED jeans drawer.

I have an entire huge drawer of jeans even though I hate them.

Shut up.

But now only 3% of them fit and I can’t decide if I should keep the ones that are too small in case I get a little smaller again from the singular act of moving around more in the outside world once that returns, or if I should throw them out. I just can’t decide.

I DO know that I DO NOT WANT TO BUY ANY MORE JEANS. BECAUSE I HATE THEM. I’m so frustrated by the fact that I don’t have many jeans that fit but also I don’t want any jeans so I’m kind of at a crossroads.

Hating jeans is specific to me, I’d like you to know. Like I don’t care if you wear jeans. Jeans are great for people who find them great! It’s okay! If I hated jeans on others I’d spend a large part of every day just hating and hating because so many people wear jeans. I would have an unsustainable amount of hate in my body and I would drop dead from the effort.

So you can have your jeans and I support you. BUT I DON’T WANT ANY.

self love soirée.

Hey hi just going to do a quick recap of the Self Love Soiree I attended on Saturday because self love is very important especially during these valentines times.

LIKE VERY IMPORTANT.

I’ve written about this before but I think Valentine’s Day is a great time to reflect on loving yourself. Wait have I written about this before? I know I’ve written about loving your friends on Valentine’s Day. Also important!

Either way, love yourself. Just do it. It feels great. It’s totally worth it. And in the world today there are actually a ton of opportunities for self love and self care and it’s now socially acceptable to take a break and take a breath and also to admire yourself so LET’S DO IT.

The night before the Self Love Soiree I returned to drinking after a dry January so it was VERY DIFFICULT to get going but I eventually got out of bed. After a cold brew and a green juice at The Cottage on Monticello I was happily on my way to Deep Space/The Hive for the Soiree.

Yes, I do go there every weekend I guess. My boyfriend referred to it as my “community center.” MAYBE IT IS. It’s great because I can walk there and there’s always fun stuff there! I don’t know how it could get any better. I’m not ashamed.

Unfortunately I was still very hungover so I didn’t get a lot of pics. But I’ll share with you what I did!

I was excited to get a pair of conversation heart earrings from Aly Cupcake/Aly’s Little Things. THEY ARE SO COOL. There’s nothing I love more than cute jewelry with bad words on it. That’s not a lie.

WTF.

She also had some really awesome pink/red/romantic looking earrings with Cupids and actual anatomical hearts on them that were SO COOL. Truthfully I really wanted these but technically I’m still in “No Shop Q1” so I’m not supposed to buy clothes or accessories.

I know I cheated with buying the convo heart earrings but they were like $10 so I think that’s a minimal shopping footprint.

Had to support a local business, you guys.

I really enjoyed checking out the display that find & revive set up. I realize I’m a broken record with this but the space looks so different at every event and I think that is so cool. I MEAN IT IS MY COMMUNITY CENTER, PEOPLE.

They had lots of reds and purples and animal print and it was all very romantic and lovely. Honestly I couldn’t even go near it because I would have been too tempted to buy.

I can’t wait until April 1.

This Saturday 2/13/21, find & revive will be back with a pop up at the Galentine’s event at Monroe’s in Hoboken so check THAT out. (I will)

Tainable, Kaze Jewels, and Dalia Handcrafts were also in attendance as vendors. I didn’t get to take the closest look at them on Saturday but I checked them out on Instagram and they all have great stuff so I hope to see them again when I can buy…EVERYTHING.

On my way out I got distracted by some books and I came across two advance copies of books I’ve been wanting to read! Like they’re released now but these copies were advance at one time and now very affordable because the person that had them originally was giving them away. Because books are expensive!

One of them is Detransition, Baby and it’s the next book for Roxanne Gay’s online book club The Audacious Book Club SO THIS WORKED OUT PERFECTLY. I can tell you more about the book club another time but it’s really incredibly great and you should also subscribe to her newsletter The Audacity BECAUSE WHY NOT.

I got the books from Xtina’s Variety and Vintage Shop and I’m going to be looking for more books there next time. BECAUSE BOOKS.

So that was the Self Love Soiree! I loved myself so much that I needed a nap after. A long one.

As far as my community center, there is a Galentine’s event there this weekend they’re hosting along with JC Women’s Collaborative that looks very fun so if you’re a gal and you have pals that are gals you should check it out.

jc women’s collaborative swap at xtina’s variety and vintage shop.

This past Saturday it was VERY COLD but it was also the day of the JC Women’s Collaborative swap at Xtina’s Variety and Vintage shop and I HAD TO GO.

I had never been to a clothing swap before and I’d honestly heard some scary stories. For some reason most of them involved “Brooklyn,” but it would be like “My friend took me to a swap in Brooklyn and it was a free for all!” Or, “I went to a swap in Brooklyn and everyone just GRABBED THINGS.”

To me it seemed like swaps were frightening because they included a competitive element and I wanted nothing to do with that. I’m not a competitive person and any kind of tense feelings really stress me out. I don’t want to FIGHT for things. It just seems like A LOT.

Anyway this swap WAS NOT LIKE THAT so don’t worry. It was great! It was very organized and didn’t feel like a race or a crazed collective grab for the best items or anything like that. It was all very civilized and fun.

Embarrassingly, I arrived 15 minutes early. I was ashamed. I didn’t intend to be that early and I felt like a nerd. Once again, I had walked way too fast and gotten very sweaty. One day I will learn my lesson but that day was not Saturday.

As I mentioned, IT WAS VERY COLD. LIKE VERY. Leading up to the swap Xtina had suggested that we wear layers, with a yoga pants/sports bra or tank layer at the bottom, so we could stay warm but also try on clothes over the bottom layer if we wanted. This was great advice because it worked out and I stayed warm.

COLD.

It’s very good to follow instructions, my friends.

Upon arrival we were given a wristband with a number on it and that indicated when it would be our turn to go upstairs to swap. (I was #2) (Be impressed.)

I’ve seen Deep Space Gallery and the store downstairs be set up a few different ways and it never stops impressing me with how versatile it is and the different ways they use the space. It’s just fun. There’s always something new to see.

While we waited for our turn to go upstairs to swap, DJs played music in the shop downstairs and we were invited to browse the shop and also the wares of some vendors that were in attendance – @cutpasteface, and @primcessart, and @talirose_art from @visioncoven

Again, there was so much stuff to look at. I really enjoy looking at stuff. A simple pleasure.

Soon enough it was time to go upstairs! The clothes were split up into racks by size, and there were tables organized by size for jeans and loungewear. Accessories were on a small table, and handbags were in a box.

We had 5 mins to choose 3 things and I suddenly got very excited so I didn’t take any pictures. I’m sorry, you’ll never know what the actual swap part actually looked like.

JK you can see some pics on Xtina’s Instagram, @xtina_moore. Calm down. Go look!

In the first round I got this BLUE TORY BURCH PURSE and I felt like I WON THE ENTIRE DAY. Like, this freakin freezing ass Saturday was MINE!

I MEAN LOOK AT IT!

After the first round we got back in line and went for the second round. This time we still had 5 mins but we could choose 5 items instead of 3. I was pumped because I got something in the second round that I had left behind in the first.

Despite not being a competitive person…I did feel like I was winning at this swap. I mean, NBD.

But I think everyone felt that way! It was a great and happy and positive experience. We all chatted in line and made new pals. We got excited when people picked one of the items we had dropped off. It was a nice feeling.

I came away from the swap with THE PURSE, a brand new with tags maxi dress from Anthropologie, a gold sequin top, a fun late 80s/early 90s looking cropped jacket with sparkly gold embroidery and velvet buttons, a basic black shift dress that is the SOFTEST jersey material, a tie-dyed Trader Joe’s T-shirt, and a couple more things. Those were my most favs.

I like the sequin/sparkly stuff best and there was actually a good amount of that there. I think because people only wear it for New Year’s Eve and then they’re done. But I like to wear sequins ALWAYS and you’re going to have to accept that THANKS.

So that was the swap! And they’re gonna have more! Follow JC Women’s Collaborative and Xtina on Instagram and they’ll keep you posted!

JC Women’s Collaborative also does in-person (socially distanced, when it’s nice) and Zoom meetups with guest speakers that are fun, informative, and thought-provoking. Their next Zoom meeting is on Feb 4 at 7pm and the topic is mental health, a v important topic! You can find more at @jcwomenscollaborative on Instagram.

And Xtina’s Variety and Vintage shop has a record sale event coming up this very weekend. On 1/30 1pm-5pm they’ll be selling records 4 for $1! I’m gonna go. If you like records maybe you should go too! I don’t know, I’m not your dad. They’re at 77 Cornelison Ave in Jersey City.

fun coats.

This is about fun coats, and fun coats only.

It’s fun coats Friday! We’ve had a long week and we deserve something fun.

So here are some fun coats.

I got super into fun coats in Fall 2019 when I had a Rent the Runway membership. THEY HAVE SO MANY FUN COATS.

But it doesn’t make sense to use Rent the Runway right now because I don’t want to be all dressed up with nowhere to go.

Although I OCCASIONALLY have somewhere to go, so I got some of my own fun coats to live at my home with me forever.

I got this one in Philadelphia when I took a trip there in the fall.

It’s from a store called The Raxx Vintage Emporium AND I LOVE IT. The coat AND the store.

This fun coat I got for Xmas from my boyfriend!

It’s from Mint Market in Jersey City. Actually maybe he got it at the Hoboken one. The world will never know.

I’ve always wanted a black and white fur/faux fur and here it is all my dreams came true.

Last we have this blue leopard fun coat my mom and dad got me for Xmas!

This fun coat is from ban.do.

I used to have an intense love affair with ban.do but it came out over the summer that their co-founder/CCO had acted like a racist jerk so I broke up with them for a while.

The co-founder/CCO left and I kept an eye to make sure they were working on themselves and I feel good about the learning they’ve done so I’m back for more ban.do.

We can all always learn more though, of course.

Those are the fun coats. Happy Friday.

what to wear during your holiday break vol. 2.

One of my favorite posts to put together last year was “what to wear during your holiday break” and now I’m back for more.

As you may know this year was a completely different year from last year and we all spent a ton of time sitting around our houses on our asses. We’ve been wearing lazy clothes while hiding in our houses this entire year and we’re not going to stop anytime soon.

Overall I’m not really a proponent of lazy clothes. I like to “look cute” and “get dressed up.” I really, REALLY miss wearing black tights and dresses and makeup and real shoes. This is really, really hard for me.

But I thought it would still be fun to celebrate some lazy clothes because I got quite a few new lazy clothes this year and they’re kinda fun!

So here we go.

what to wear during your holiday break while you’re reading a book.

Yes I’m reading Home Body. Every single one of a certain kind of gal is currently reading it as we speak. I guess I’m just that kind of gal.

The kind of gal that likes amazing poetry without really knowing that much about poetry. But it’s amazing.

My outfit is from ACTA and it’s my favorite new lazy outfit. It’s really soft but not TOO soft. I love the material. I have a code for ACTA if you have any interest. Click here to go to their site and use code SHANIMAL15 for 15% off.

If not, move along.

what to wear during your holiday break when you want to fret over the impeding apocalypse but in a onesie.

This is a leopard onesie.

I guess it’s kind of intense and I think it’s a size too small because it’s not as comfy as I hoped.

It’s from Old Navy. The small size isn’t their fault, it’s just my assumption that I can still wear the same size I could wear back in March.

Which is an untrue assumption.

what to wear during your holiday break while protecting your bird from certain death.

Here’s a sports bra option for when you have to turn up the heat all the way for your bird and it’s too hot to live with a shirt on.

My tropical budgie pal Elvis needs to be protected from a draft at all costs. If he feels the slightest chill you can see in his face that he is terrified of his swift imminent death.

He needs to stay warm so we keep him warm. That’s what we do in this family. Even if human family members have to take our shirts off in the middle of winter. Bra top is from Free People.

what to wear during your holiday break to look out the window and feel sad because you miss your friends and family.

When it’s cold and I don’t want to deal with being outside but it’s still sunny and I need sunlight, I love to sit by the window.

I love to sit by the window and stare at the street and think about all the fun I’ve missed, Santa baby.

This year has been shitty. We all know it. A lot of us won’t see our families. I’ve been quarantining to see my parents and sister for Xmas but I won’t be able to see my brother and his family. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I’m choking on it. So is my mom.

So I’ll just sulk here by the window in my cropped “Jersey City” sweatshirt from JaneDO and tie dyed pants from Old Navy because like what else to I have to do?

what to wear during your holiday break while you adult color and/or reenact a preschool school photo.

I need to get back into adult coloring. It is fun, soothing, passes the time…all good things.

Adult coloring really relaxes the mind. For a long time I thought it was a hoax and a trap but my sister got me this adult coloring book a couple of years ago and it just feels good to do.

This also looks like a photo of me that I have from preschool that I’m going to try to find when I go home this week. STAY TUNED.

Oh PS the whole outfit is from Old Navy. I love the thermal top because it has moons and stars on it. A VIBE.

what to wear during your holiday break while wrapping presents but only a couple at a time because it really hurts your back.

I got this sweatsuit in the fall and I do love that it’s a like a MATCHING SUIT.

It’s also nice that it’s red so it’s festive and if I put on a green headband it’s red AND green and THAT is a beautiful thing.

Sweatsuit is Old Navy again. 85% of this stuff is Old Navy. As I said, I’m not usually a fan of lazy clothes but now that I pretty much wear them every day I like to have a lot of options and Old Navy has cheap but quality options. It may be cheap but it’s also soft and comfortable and I AM INSIDE OF MY HOUSE.

Also, wrapping presents really, REALLY makes my back hurt and I’m not sure why but if you have any tips plz share.

what to wear during your holiday break while you get in bed and wait for santa.

Oh shit did that sound sexual? It’s not, I just meant wait until it’s time to open your presents.

The time goes slow when you’re stuck inside, so it’s nice to be comfortable while you wait.

This is another full matching sweatsuit but it’s not very flattering so I’ll just reveal the top half. Some things remain sacred.

Best wishes for cozy holiday outfits for every single one of you, my friends.

chicken spaghetti outfit.

I haven’t done a post of an outfit for a long time because I never get good feedback on posts of outfits. It’s always, “No one cares about you in outfits.”

But you know what? I care about me in outfits. And it’s fun. And I have nothing to really live for right now. So here’s a post about an outfit.

I tried to take some pictures with my mom’s chickens because I love them and they are my friends. At least I thought they were my friends until I tried to get them to participate in these photos.

And they didn’t.

They really enjoy spaghetti! Usually…

The chickens didn’t show much interest in spaghetti during the time I was taking the photos. Once I stopped taking the photos they were once again interested.

Let’s just say the chickens were being straight up bitches.

Beyond the lack of cooperation from my fellow models, I enjoy this outfit and it was fun to put together.

I love these boots because they’re very high and make it a little “fancy” but they’re super chunky and therefore comfortable. They’re from H&M.

20% off everything — no code needed! We’re kicking off Black Friday today! Shop safe, shop smart, shop early.

This leopard blazer sweater from JCrew is probably my favorite addition to my closet this fall. I rented one similar to it from Rent the Runway last year and I’m glad to own one now.

I dislike wearing my hair up but a woman waiting in line for the bathroom with me last night told me I “look like Lady Gaga” so that was a nice perk and I’ll take it. If I DO wear it up I think a headband def helps. This is also from JCrew.

Of course it’s only appropriate to wear Jersey City shirts while away from Jersey City, and this is one of my old favorites from Kanibal.

The pants are linen pants and they’re pretty loose. I’ve gained a lot of weight in the past 6 months so loose is the way to go when it comes to pants, thanks.

Glad to be back talking about my outfits think I’ll do it some more soon you’re welcome.

put your puritanism back in your pants.

After I wrote this I did a fact check to make sure puritanical behavior was actually the Puritan’s fault and some sources disagreed. I still don’t like their overall vision and will leave them as my scapegoat for this.

I’m going to have to respectfully request that you take your puritanism and you put it back in your pants.

If that doesn’t work I will full-on disrespectfully demand that you shove it up your own ass.

Are you listening? Cool.

It’s likely you’re aware that my favorite way to dress is almost naked. It’s been that way since birth. I’ve always loved a revealing outfit. I’m not ever going to stop loving revealing outfits. They’re a part of me. The very fabric of my being is woven with threads of cleavage and short skirts and bathing suits while not at the beach. This is nothing new. But for some reason sometimes folks still have something to say. And I blame the Puritans.

By Puritans I mean the people that started some shit in this county. By “some shit” I mean they were one of the groups on the front lines of stealing the land of Native Americans and justifying their behavior by saying it was “god’s” idea. Also burning women alive if they didn’t like their overall vibe. You know, those Puritans. Bunch of jerks.

Unforch their beliefs and behaviors about sexuality and people’s bodies and the ways people are allowed to dress their bodies hang over us like an ominous cloud. Like why is this cloud still here? Their buildings have survived so I guess maybe that’s why the cloud of nonsensical judgement has. I don’t really know. It’s stubborn as hell. It’s giving me a headache. I really can’t stand it.

During my fact check I found that their ideas lasted so long and permeated our whole society because they valued intelligence and had a high level of literacy and that is…terrifying. They used their nerd powers for bad! Ugh! The worst!

Simply existing as a woman in the world is hard enough. You can be physically over-powered at any time. There’s a need to be “careful” and to have an “awareness.” It’s exhausting. Part of your “awareness” has to do with the way you dress and the “kind of signals you’re sending out with your wardrobe choices.” Ugh. Shut up.

My biggest problem being, if you care about how you look and like how you look and take pride in it and really want to go all out that suddenly becomes some kind of “problem” because you’re being “slutty” or “thirsty” and according to the ominous cloud of sexist bullshit that hangs over all of us you’re not allowed to “do that” because it’s “wrong.”

This gets me so incredibly angry.

And it’s not just men. Women do this to each other and reinforce the whole ridiculous thing day in and day out. It’s like, “Oh that woman over there? She’s a thirsty slut, bye.” A

re they jealous because they can’t find the strength to go all out? Probably. But more likely they’re just brainwashed and we have to help them see the light, too. WE HAVE TO HELP EACH OTHER. (And if they don’t like wearing revealing clothes on their own bodies I’m not saying they have to. They choose their choice. Just so that’s clear.)

I’ve cared about how I look, liked how I look, took pride in how I look, and have “really wanted to go all out” since day one. I felt like this as a child, as a preteen, as a teenager, as an adult. I’ve felt like this at every size I’ve ever been, with every haircut. Sometimes I look back and I’m like “meh, don’t love this style now.” But never once have I said, “I regret going all out on that,” as far as the level of how revealing it was.

Because I don’t. And I shouldn’t be made to regret it. And I’m really going to start kicking people again if that’s what it’s going to have to come down to.

My parents never told me what to wear. And before you’re like, “Did they just let you run around with no shoes on and bite people like a feral child of the forest?!” please pause and realize that they were very disciplined about many other things. We weren’t allowed to play with toy guns. We weren’t allowed to eat candy cigarettes because they encouraged actual cigarette behavior. Stuff like that. THE IMPORTANT LIFE THREATENING ISSUES WERE EXPRESSED TO US AND WE WERE TAUGHT TO BE WARY OF THEM.

THE CLOTHES YOU WEAR ARE NOT A LIFE THREATENING ISSUE.

Tight dress in 8th grade = TOTALLY FINE LEAVE ME ALONE THX.

And if you wanna be like, “If you dress in a revealing way you’re making yourself a target for assault”…then you’re barking up the wrong tree. YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM. MAYBE WE SHOULD WORRY ABOUT STOPPING THE ASSAULT INSTEAD OF POLICING PEOPLE’S CLOTHING I DON’T KNOW JUST AN IDEA.

Perhaps we should teach people from a very young age that the amount of clothing someone is wearing doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean they want to have sex with you. It doesn’t mean they want your validation or attention. It doesn’t mean that they’re somehow weaker and could potentially be a victim. It’s not a thing. It’s clothing. It’s on them. Move along. Also you’re 4 years old. Calm down.

I realize that it’s part of BIOLOGY for people pay attention to secondary sex characteristics and that’s why when people see “boobs” they immediately think “sex.” But I’m talking about SOCIETY and I think by now after thousands of years around here we should be able to integrate our societal intelligence with our biological intelligence and like DO BETTER.

It’s called evolution EVER HEARD OF IT.

Also what’s that thing that moms are always talking about that it’s okay to breastfeed in public? Like, boobs have OTHER PURPOSES. THEY FEED BABIES. SO BOOBS CAN ALSO JUST SIT THERE AND BE A PART OF SOMEONE’S BODY AND NOT CAUSE YOU TO AUTOMATICALLY RELATE THEM TO SEX, YA SICKO.

I’m just annoyed. I know this isn’t anything that hasn’t been said before. But this is where I stand. And I will continue to stand here, scantily clad. And I won’t feel bad about it. So go find someone else to bother if you want to make someone feel bad. BECAUSE I DON’T, SO SHUT UP ALREADY.

i miss prom.

I know it’s not punk rock to say you loved prom but I like, LOVED prom and I miss prom.

Don’t get me wrong, high school was a garbage fire for me, as it was for 90% of people. It’s a hard time. Besides my ass looking the best it ever looked and the best it ever WILL look, high school was a real shit sandwich. It was just like, I wanted to do what I wanted and act how I wanted and didn’t feel like hearing what LITERALLY EVERYONE had to say about it. Like, get a job. Leave me alone.

I mean come on.

ANYWAY I loved prom because I love getting really dressed up and my hair and makeup done and going to an event with other people who are dressed up and also taking pictures. I loved the process of planning and choosing and building and finally wearing my outfit, and I really, really loved to see what everyone else came up with too.

As an adult, I really, really miss prom, and I say it every year. And I try to think about adult things I could participate in and force others to participate in with me that would be as great as prom. And there aren’t any. Weddings come close, they’re pretty cool. If I was rich and attended more GALAS maybe they would be more like prom, but I’m not rich and don’t really attend GALAS.

So now I’m going to reflect on the proms of my past as a nice walk down memory lane. Or like…A PROMENADE.

sophomore prom.

Yeah there was no “sophomore prom” at my school but this is when I went to someone else’s junior prom as a sophomore. I regret not also going as a freshman so I could say, “I went to 4 proms!” But no one asked me and it’s too late for that now.

The prom I went to my sophomore year was at the high school of the guy I was dating. The high school was Phillipsburg High School and even though it wasn’t my own high school I had many happy times there and glance at it fondly if I’m ever riding or driving west on Route 22. Personally I think Phillipsburg as a whole is a super interesting microcosm of the American Experience but I digress. One day I’ll write a book about it, swear.

Phillipsburg High School’s prom was BADASS and better than my own prom in one way: there was actually a “promenade”! As we walked down the sidewalk into the gym, parents and younger kids and other citizens of the town gathered to cheer us on. I wasn’t expecting it and it was super fun, like a red carpet! I felt famous and fabulous and loved the attention! I can picture most other high schools probably doing this, but my high school was a regional high school and it wasn’t so easy for local folks to stroll over and wait around for a show of adolescent finery.

Beside that I don’t remember much else about this prom EXCEPT what I wore.

An orange-y kind of dress, selected precisely because I couldn’t figure out what color to call it and that was exciting to me. It tied in the back and cut in on the sides to reveal some skin. LOVE TO SHOW SOME SKIN. I have my mom looking for a pic of this dress for me at my parents’ house, standby. Edited: she sent them!

One of my friends helped me do my hair as she was working at her part time job at a video store. I do miss video stores. One of the video stores in this small chain became a tanning salon at one point. I miss tanning salons too.

Don’t really know what I’m trying to convey here.

I was in a golden jewelry/accessories phase at this point (as I am now), so I had gold shoes and earrings and maybe a bracelet? I have to look at the photo more closely when my mom finds it for me. Edited: I don’t see a bracelet, case closed.

K that’s that one.

junior year.

Junior year of high school was when I returned the favor to my boyfriend at the time and invited him to MY school’s prom! Woo!

Our prom, ostensibly for the whole history of time, has been held at the Hunterdon Hills Playhouse. I still don’t really know what their deal is, besides being our prom venue. There were fountains and a gazebo there so that was cool for pictures.

A FREAKIN GAZEBO YOU GUYS HOW LUCKY WERE WE?!

Gazebo!

My junior year prom dress was my favorite prom dress. I loved them all but this one was ALL SEQUINS ALL OVER. And purple. Which isn’t a color I usually wear but I thought it was fun.

I got the dress at a seemingly now defunct store called Cache, inside the Lehigh Valley Mall. It was a different time for obtaining prom dresses, people didn’t really use the internet or Instagram to find and buy things, so it kind of seemed like it was hard to find. But I found it AND I LOVED IT. And by “people didn’t really use Instagram” I mean that INSTAGRAM DID NOT EXIST YOU GUYS.

The problem with this dress was that someone else in the senior class had the exact same dress but in a hot pink kind of color. Why is this a problem, you ask? To this day, I’m still not 100% sure, but I think it had something to do with a story someone made up about me saying I “looked better than her” in the dress. Which I did NOT say, at least not until later AFTER she attacked me during our powder puff football game and I had to kick her in the face, in self defense. I do remember actually kicking her face but that could just be the memory that has been created over the years. Did I Mandela Effect kicking her face? Maybe. This was almost 20 years ago.

OH MY GOD THIS WAS ALMOST 20 YEARS AGO?!

Either way, I remain disappointed that both of us gals fell victim to this common ploy handed down by the patriarchy. They only pit us against each other to distract us from doing bigger and better things and I honestly didn’t have time for their shit and I don’t now but I think you know that.

I don’t think it would be completely out of line to guess that the boys on the football team, our peers and classmates we grew up with, who coached the powder puff teams, spent some time thinking about which girl fights would be the most entertaining and easiest to orchestrate on a powder puff game stage. Once the plan was made, they planted these seeds of discord in the angriest, most likely to start a fight girls and before I knew it I was on my back on the grass, completely blindsided, kicking for dear life.

We existed merely for their entertainment, after all.

Beyond the dress, THERE WERE SHOES. They were pink and they had really high heels and giant fake lace flowers on them and they were from Bloomingdale’s at the Bridgewater Mall so I felt GLAM AF.

I don’t think I have any pictures of them and that is a travesty. And I am PISSED that I cannot find these shoes. They’re in shoe purgatory somewhere with the shoes I loved that I wore to my brother’s wedding. IT IS AN OUTRAGE. After an extensive Google search I can’t locate either of them even in internet form. I hate everything.

At the time I had just entered into a pretty serious silver phase that lasted through college (I have Tiffany to thank for that, but my blue box phase is FULLY OVER), so I wore silver jewelry this time around. That feels significant to me because I hate silver jewelry and would not wear it right now, BUT I used to feel the same way about yellow gold jewelry (or more specifically in my life, yellow gold COLORED jewelry) when I liked silver.

It’s a tangled web.

senior year.

Senior year I was in Miami/Key Largo for Spring Break and it was bad ass. Unfortunately I decided at the very last minute that I wanted to look for a prom dress at a huge mall when we were on the way to the Miami Airport to go home.

We rushed around the mall and I tried things on and it seemed hopeless UNTIL we turned a corner and ran right into a nice little store called Group USA (it looks like it’s called Camille la Vie now).

JK the store was huge.

There were so, so many dresses. Every style, every color, organized in a rainbow of color. My head exploded. It was like shopping on the internet before the internet because the level and quality of choice I was given was seemingly INFINITE!

We only had like 7 minutes in this store. It was a whirlwind. I wanted to try on everything but could only try on a few things and I had to make a split second DECISH. I thought about how my sophomore dress had been like “trendy” and my junior dress had been “sexy,” so I was like what HAVEN’T I done?

And then I threw myself a real curveball because I went with a classic pale pink one. This isn’t really my style but that’s the fun thing about clothes because you’re just wearing them and can change them at ANY TIME. And I had fun with it!

Senior prom was fun, it really was. I went with a guy friend and not a boyfriend. We went together in a big group of friends.

The next day we went down the shore. It was the whole shebang.

I don’t remember the shoes or jewelry with this dress, besides that my mom let me borrow a pretty necklace of hers. THANKS MOM K FIND THE PICS NOW.

I really had an awesome time and I’m genuinely sorry for the high school folks that don’t get to have a prom this year. Virtual prom is not the same vibe and they should have a real prom next year but that ALSO won’t be the same vibe because they all will have had a year at college or in Europe or smoking bongs in their parents’ basement but out in the open now and no one will be the same person anymore.

Basically you can never go back and do prom again, good or bad. And you cannot try to do prom a year later. The youth this year are screwed. And I’m sorry.

But I miss prom.

rooftop ballerina.

I really don’t have much to say lately because I’m stuck inside and depressed AF. But here is me as a rooftop ballerina last weekend.

I’m a terrible dancer and that includes ballet but I’ve always loved a tutu.

And I will continue to wear tutus in perpetuity. They aren’t just for ballerinas. Or children.

No bra is cool right now, but no bra is ALWAYS cool for me. Deal w it.

In my morbid state of mind I may go as far to say I should be buried in a tutu.

This is the most fun I’ve ever had with the iPhone portrait feature.

Although I will be referring to my burial that happens at least 100 years from now.

Because before I get buried in a tutu, I want to be an alive and well old ass bitch running around the town in a tutu.

Yay!

It’s the only way.

Happy rooftop ballerina Saturday.

Ugh now I have to go back downstairs into my house cage.

Or whatever.

mask lewk.

Here is a mask lewk from when I went outside last weekend.

I like to wear big crazy earrings because I can’t do much with my face. This also works for Zoom meetings but applies to not being able to do much with my body.

At this point there may be more than one mask lewk but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

This is a homemade mask I folded myself using this information: Fold your own mask!

YES, I REALIZE THIS MASK PROTECTS ME FROM ALMOST NOTHING. Unforch I don’t have access to any “real” masks. They have all been sold. Even the non medical ones. I’m in a real pickle here.

I figure “almost nothing” is better than “actual nothing” so I feel okay about my choice.

Also I HATE wearing a mask because my face gets hot and itchy and I can’t breathe. I guess we’re prob all on the same page with that.

Cool.

A dog came to say hi! 🤗