the frenzy.

Hey hi hello this is the frenzy speaking. This is the voice of the frenzy.

What is the frenzy? I don’t really know but it’s how I explain my anxiety sometimes so other people can understand it better and to convey to them that I’m not just “worried” and “everyone worries” and I should “just calm down.” I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it today and he was like “Talk to your mom about it” but Barbara the golden comet chicken died and my dad slipped on ice and hurt his shoulder and my sister is having AN ACTUAL HUMAN BABY so I think my mom is busy right now so I’ll write about it here and talk to you about it. And maybe you’ve felt this too. I hope you have, so you can relate. But I also hope you haven’t, because it’s terrible.

Like there is a frenzy going on inside of my mind and it feels like I have to do everything and can do everything but at the same time I am paralyzed with fear and can’t do anything. I sit here for hours and feel like I’m “doing things” and make a list in my head of all the things I need to do and it freaks me out and makes me more frenzied that I’m not doing them but I just can’t do them.

I just can’t.

My mind will not stop with the frenzy and there is no calming the storm and I have to ride it out. Taking a lot of deep breaths is supposed to help and I guess it does but I’m taking them now as I write this and the frenzy continues, electrifying the tips of my fingers as they sail across my keyboard. As I focus on them I relish the speed at which they move. “I AM DOING THIIIIINGS! THINGS ARE GETTING DONEEEE! COUNT THE WORDS, BABY.”

Unfortunately writing this blog post is not “getting things done” and is completely arbitrary. I try to turn my attention to actual tasks and it bounces back into the frenzy, ricocheting off the corners of my brain again and again, growing more frenzied with each bounce as if my attention and focus will never come to settle anywhere and continue bouncing around forever and ever until I eventually go insane.

I get inspired to google “what does mania feel like?” but I don’t think the definition is this feeling. I’m no doctor but I’ve never been diagnosed as bipolar and the frenzy has been churning my whole life long so I don’t think that’s what this is. Mania seems more productive. I feel like I’m simultaneously doing everything and getting nothing done and it cancels each other out and I sit here neutrally impotent and completely freaked out.

Did I maybe drink too much coffee?

I DON’T KNOW, DID YOU?!

There was a time when I could harness the frenzy and use it as fuel to power anything I set my mind to. My workouts were stronger, my writing was better (at least it seemed better to me), I felt funnier and more fun, all good things. Then the frenzy got tricky and changed in some way and I could no longer make it work for me. And I hate that. It’s super inconvenient.

So for now I will cope with the frenzy and take deep breaths and think about everything and do almost nothing until the frenzy fades away. I’ll see you there.

I wrote this a couple of months ago and forgot about it but I found it today so there ya go. The frenzy continues to churn but not at the same hurricane level that it was churning that day. Whew.

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