Hey hi hello there, when you were a little kid did you ever have a crush on a cartoon character? Because I did. I really, really did.
I don’t mean a crush on a cartoon character like “I think they’re pretty cool.” I mean a full-on, head over heels crush in which I thought we could totally defy the odds of space, time, and reality overall as a whole and actually be in love and date. There was a time in my life when I ONLY had crushes on cartoons. Like, no human boy or man or even gal was the subject of my adoration.
Perhaps I watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit too many times and really bought into the whole concept of the human and toon worlds being intertwined. Although Roger Rabbit was NOT one of my crushes and I thought Jessica Rabbit was way too hot for him and it was OBVIOUS why she was cheating on him because he was a simpering leporine loser.
Maybe I was just a weird kid. In no particular order, here are my top 5 cartoon crushes from childhood. And maybe still now.
maurice from little monsters.
Oh hey! Already a curve ball. Maurice is not TECHNICALLY a cartoon although I will submit that he is 100% cartoon-LIKE and he comes from a made up fantasy world/dimension and he’s also blue and HAS HORNS so I really think he fits the bill here.
Little Monsters was one of my MOST FAV films as a kid and that’s because it had the best ending scene of all time where the Talking Heads plays and they all run onto the beach.
I MEAN IT DOES NOT GET BETTER THAN THAT.
Besides that, and back to Maurice, he was a symbol of like, mischief and adventure and staying up all night long doing silly shit. When have I NOT been into mischief and adventure and staying up all night doing silly shit? Never, that’s when.
I’ve forced myself into being a morning person for now, but naturally I am a full-on night owl, and as a child I was night-owled the eff up. I never wanted to go to bed. Once I was on bed I would stare at the wall for like hours and often never sleep until it started to get light outside. I think I was very scared of the dark. Either way, I really loved the idea that Maurice the monster would come and save me and whisk me away to the under the bed party world and we could swing on swings and play baseball with the intention of breaking shit and also sneak into other kids’ houses and mess with them.
Aesthetically, as far as Maurice’s “lewk,” I was like so into his jean button down shirt, unbuttoned over a black tee and topped by a leather vest with SUNGLASSES PINS ON IT. YOU GUYS, SUNGLASSES PINS. DO YOU REMEMBER?! Like how freakin cool was this guy?! He was like a biker/rocker/tough guy but he was also kind and Fred Savage’s pal. Until he misbehaved and made Fred Savage mad…but then he said he was sorry! What a guy!
I would like to make it clear that although Maurice was played (brilliantly) by Howie Mandel, I DO NOT nor did I have a crush on Howie Mandel. I mean he’s fine but that’s not the point of the story here.
I feel like I’ve already read somewhere else that Robin Hood was a stone cold fox but Robin Hood was a STONE COLD FOX.
He was also a fox, because I’m talking about the Disney animated adaptation of Robin Hood.
This prince of thieves stole from the rich and gave to the poor and shot some arrows and shit all with a great level of finesse and while not wearing pants. I don’t know why cartoon animals often don’t wear pants….but like it’s pretty often that they don’t wear pants. It’s like, they’re just ASKING to be objectified.
I honestly don’t remember much about this film, character, or storyline. But I DO remember that I thought Robin Hood was hot AF and I was jealous of Maid Marian at the end and wished that I was an anthropomorphic lady fox so I could kick her ass and marry Robin Hood instead.
Ooooo yeah, Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson was the bad kid with the skateboard that was always getting in trouble and you were like “UGH Bart is such a JERK!’ but then you were like, “Oooo maybe I kind of like jerks!” and a whole life of chasing after jerks on skateboards was born.
No? Just me? Whatever.
Bart was the coolest kid in school, even though that “ha-ha” kid always picked on him. That kid sucked anyway. He was also besties with a huge nerd, and I thought that was really sweet of him. Even though they never revealed where Springfield actually was, Bart had a full-on California vibe and said cool stuff like, “Cowabunga!”
He possessed an effortless cool that I’ve seen sailing past me on skateboards to this very day. Bart was killin it, you guys.
Honestly I think I thought of Bart as a bold, brave kid. I was always really well behaved. I mean since birth I’ve been like, “Eff the system! Don’t tell me what to do!” But that doesn’t mean I was outwardly misbehaving. I found subtle ways to exert my influence over my life and the things I wanted to do. I didn’t want to suffer the punishments that came with bad behavior, it didn’t seem worth it as far as the end goal. But kids like Bart just put it out there and didn’t even care about the consequences.
AND THAT WAS HOT AS HELL.
goofy’s son in goof troop and a goofy movie.
Okay well, even though Goofy’s son was a cartoon crush of mine I have to look up his name, hold plz…
Oh duh it’s Max. Maximilian Goof! The second thing that came up on Google was “Who is Goofy’s Babymama?” Answer: “Mrs. Geef.”
I always thought Goofy was great as like, a fun dad kind of guy. So when I found out he had a son that was kid-aged I was like HOLY SHIT HE WILL GROW UP TO BE LIKE GOOFY WE TOTALLY HAVE TO DATE.
Again, Max had a skateboard (there is a theme, a serious theme) and also a backwards hat most of the time. Unlike Bart he came off as more of a quiet, shy guy. He would get flustered talking to a girl he liked and he would get really embarrassed if he thought Goofy made him look silly in front of his friends. This was when I decided, at the ripe old age of 8, that even though I do like “bad” guys, I ALSO like quiet, shy guys and therefore do not really have “a type.”
Except for the skateboard part.
Max and Goofy were their own little fam because his mom had died and their relationship seemed really sweet most of the time and I also was into that. Like, this guy has a nice family like me! When we get married we’ll have a nice family! I had the whole thing planned. I was ready to be the new Mrs. Geef.
In A Goofy Movie, Goofy and Max go on a ridiculous cross country trip that ends in him performing at a concert and the performance is EVERYTHING. IT IS SO CUTE. GOOFY IS THERE TOO. I CAN’T EVEN STAND IT.
He just wants Roxanne to like him! Dammit! Come on! In the end, Roxanne DID like him.
I also liked him.
michelangelo the teenage mutant ninja turtle.
Okay and now here we are at my ULTIMATE crush on a cartoon character and that is Michelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
I don’t care what you say and I will not consider any other opinions, Michelangelo is the perfect man. Not only does he love pizza and skateboarding, and he skateboards WHILE CARRYING AN ENTIRE PIZZA, his whole vibe is everything I’ve ever wanted out of a companion.
He is what we would call “chill AF.” He does not care. But like in a good way. If the turtles are listening to instructions from their rat boss guy or fighting Shredder or BeBop and Rocksteady or helping April O’Neill with a story, Michelangelo is all business. He wants to help! HE WANTS TO DO HIS BEST FOR HIS PALS. He is LISTENING AND OFFERING WARM PIZZA. Or he is expertly using his weapon thing. I forgot what it’s called.
BUT, during downtime, Michelangelo is the friend you always want to be around. HE IS A PARTY DUDE. He’s relaxing, enjoying life, and not being a dick like Raphael. Ugh or a self-righteous asshole like Leonardo.
Donatello is fine, he was the scientist. Honestly if it was just Michelangelo and Donatello I would be fine.
Actually no, I lied. In the first film when Raphael runs away and hides out with the hot hockey guy for a few days, he seemed pretty hot there. Like based on that, I would have dated him. I think mostly because he’s sad and he gets a bit of a comeuppance for his moody attitude. I was over his nonsense from the start but i really did appreciate it when he tried to be better.
Michelangelo will always have my heart. He truly captivated me with his full-on adoption of the cowabunga lifestyle. A lifestyle I’ve been desperately chasing ever since.
These days I’m a human adult with a human adult boyfriend and I think I’ve got it pretty good. His skateboard is parked right outside our door.