don’t. ever. call me.

Don’t ever call me. Seriously, please do not ever call me. I dislike many things but I dislike phone calls perhaps most of all. In a world filled with terrible shit phone calls really top the list.

Phone calls are terrifying. To announce their impending intrusion into your otherwise wonderful life, they usually make a loud sound. I cannot handle a loud sound. I once had an office mate tell me I made them “feel like a monster” because I jumped and/or flinched every time they made a loud sound behind me. YOU’RE NO MONSTER I JUST CAN’T TAKE THE LOUD SOUNDS, GUY.

And we all know who the real monster is…THE REAL MONSTER IS PHONE CALLS.

At this point most people will only call with bad news. So if I see someone calling me, I IMMEDIATELY EXPECT BAD NEWS. My heart drops into the bottom of my stomach, I get that shitty roller coaster feeling. Not the good roller coaster feeling that’s like “yay!” but the bad one that’s like “omg someone died.” Please don’t call me. I don’t want to deal with that feeling because you’re “just calling to say hi.”

If you do call me, I will wait for it to go to voicemail and then I will text you back. Because in this game, I MAKE THE RULES. The text back is a power move. It says, “This is the way I will communicate with you and if you don’t want to communicate THIS way then we will not communicate AT ALL, THANKS.”

Phone calls are disruptive. They invade, they intrude. If it is not a planned scheduled call, I want no part in it. I want time to prepare and I want be in a quiet place and I want my thoughts collected and I want to not be doing anything else during the call. I can’t hear very well but that’s not even the point. I just don’t like being interrupted when I don’t want to be. Or being unprepared. I NEED TO BE PREPARED. I can’t think of effective responses in the moment, even if the question is just, “What time do you want to meet later?”

JUST TEXT ME. Then I can mull it over for a minute or two and count back the hours and think about my self-imposed schedule on that particular day and figure out what to wear and how long it’s going to take me to get ready. Then I can tell you the time. IT IS THAT EASY. Otherwise I will be silent and awkward on the phone trying to do all this math and think about an outfit and then I’ll feel weird and then I will actually hate you and the time we’ll meet later will be NEVER O’CLOCK because we are no longer friends.

Of course, part of my job is answering the phone sometimes. And I do it, as it is my duty. But I won’t say I love it. Also sometimes a friend will call and if I know at the time they’re calling that they’ve been having a hard time and may need a pal to talk to, I WILL answer, or call back. I’m not a MONSTER.

But besides that, don’t ever call me. I really don’t know what else to say.

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