the perfect f-kboy.

I’m going to tell you about the perfect f-kboy. It isn’t an actual person in my life, although there have been some that have encompassed most of these qualities, and inversely some that have shown me what qualities are not ideal for f-kboys.

It goes without saying that I have a boyfriend now and luckily don’t need to deal with f-kboys anymore, and I am glad. But since we’ve all been unleashed into the streets again and the single gals around me have gotten back to “the game”…I’ve been hearing about this and therefore thinking about this and wanted to write it down. Also I have a lot of good/funny/shitty dating stories and why did I endure all that shit for an ENTIRE DECADE if not to document it on the internet as some sort of twisted catharsis.

Maybe this knowledge will also benefit someone out there, but I doubt it, since such lessons can only be learned on one’s own over time, after making many painful and embarrassing mistakes, sending literally thousands of ill-advised drunk text messages, and crying in public.

K here we go. The perfect f-kboy…

1. doesn’t talk.

This is very simple. They don’t talk! Meaning they don’t kiss and tell. They don’t run and tell all of their dude friends about it so you have a whole group of dudes giving you some kind of eye when you walk into a bar. They ALSO don’t go and tell any of their girl friends about it so you don’t get ANOTHER KIND of eye when you walk into a bar.

If you live in a place like Jersey City, which is the second largest city in NJ but also a small town, this discretion is admirable. Everyone is talking, talk talk talking all the time. 15% of what they say is true. But you don’t want to have to deal with the untrue stuff that comes along with it. I mean, I personally don’t give a shit about idle gossip. I grew up in an ACTUAL small town where idle gossip is a way of life and I’m used to it. But I’m giving advice here, so avoid it if possible.

OMG I had never seen this music video and I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

They also don’t put anything on social media that would indicate they know you. Or they don’t even have social media. They definitely do not follow you on social media. The only pictures they have on social media are the ones that friends have tagged them in and they’re incredibly abstruse and pretty much worthless. Therefore you’re not able to spiral too far into Instagram black hole hell. You can’t make any connections or learn anything about their life because the info JUST ISN’T THERE.


2. literally does not say a word.

There’s much to be said for the strong silent type when it comes to these situations. Maybe they’re super shy, maybe they don’t give a shit…maybe both? Either way, they are DISCRETE AF. Honestly most of the time they won’t even speak to you in public. The understanding is that if you see each other you prob shouldn’t say hi but they’ll text you in a few hours during the appropriate f-kboy time window of 1am-5am.

This is good! You have boundaries. You have a SCHEDULE. You know what to expect and nothing will catch you by surprise and your emotions are under control. YOU WON’T CRY IN PUBLIC BECAUSE THE RULES ARE ESTABLISHED AND BEING FOLLOWED BY ALL.

3. is unreliable but in a consistent and predictable way.

He’s a f-kboy, you know he’s going to be unreliable. If you accept the situaish, you accept that he will most certainly be unreliable. An issue arises when he is sometimes reliable, OR unreliable in an unexpected way. Consistency is key. If he sometimes texts you during the day and asks to meet for a drink later, is that a date? THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOU DO NOT KNOW. It’s better if he just sticks to the schedule and doesn’t mess with the arrangement.

“Messing with the arrangement” is frankly emotional abuse and psychological manipulation and I will not stand for it. These f-kboys need to get their shit together.

4. doesn’t make you think it’s a date.

He doesn’t make you think it’s a date, BECAUSE IT’S NOT A DATE. STOP THINKING IT’S A DATE, THAT IS YOUR FAULT.

Unless he is making you think it’s a date, in which case he is being a total dickhead. If he invites you out and buys you shit and opens doors for you and whatever but doesn’t plan on actually dating you or giving up any of the other gals he’s messing around with, he’s being rude and cruel as hell. Same thing if he invites you to his house at a normal hour to watch a movie and like, read books about sharks and shit.

Still a shark fan, don’t worry.

Then he has you thinking that he likes you and you also really like sharks so you’re totally sold on this being your next great romance. BECAUSE OMG YOU HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON YOU GUYS!

This will NOT be your next great romance and he’s being a shady asshole. Go back to the quiet one if a successful f-kboy arrangement is what you seek. You’ll just need to wait for his next 2:30am bat signal.

5. never gives you compliments.

Yeah, no. No compliments allowed. Like, I’ll allow a, “You’re nice” or “You’re pretty,” totally fine. But a, “You have the most perfect eyebrows I’ve ever seen,” or “Wow you’re smart,” …get the heck out of here, guy. Although these things are TRUE…the fact that a guy notices them makes me think they like me. And that is unfair! Because f-kboys DON’T LIKE YOU. I mean they “like” you enough to like…enter your home and park their skateboard in your foyer and make out with you…but that is IT. Any additional “like” is not guaranteed and should not be unfairly projected by said f-kboy unless they PLAN ON STICKIN AROUND, AMIRITE?

At one point I had one f-kboy hanging around that was super nice to me and took me to dates and parties and stuff, and another one that literally only spoke 10 words the whole 2 years we knew each other and we never spoke outside my home. Between these two, again I chose the quiet one. I CRIED to the nice one and broke the whole thing off because I was like, “If you don’t want to date why are you being nice?! You’re confusing me! I hate it! Bye!”

Then I ran all the way home to JC from Bushwick and retreated to the comfort of the sound of silence and random emojis.

I feel the Disturbed cover of this song is most suitable for my purposes.

The moral is, no one should put up with someone being mean to them. But in a f-kboy situaish, being too nice is also dangerous to all involved. Like, just be cool and everything will be fine, guy. I’ll still hook up with you even if you aren’t nice to me. Unfortunately I would probably be more likely to if you were mean. But neutral works for both of us as far as human decency. Just be quiet. Don’t say shit. You can laugh at my jokes. That’s fine. Other than that plz stay dark and mysterious so I can project my preferred personality profile onto you and invent a hilarious biographical backstory for you in which your parents own a diner in Central Jersey.

We must get our kicks where we can, my friends.

6. is in your same phase of life.

I’ve thought a lot about this one, and I think the perfect f-kboy for you is the one that is in your same phase of life. This doesn’t necessarily mean the same age, but like…the same phase. Yes, I said phase. Should I define “phase”? I think you get it.

So if you’re in a “going out every day even on weekdays and drinking 10 Tecates to the face” phase, it’s good if they’re in a similar phase. If you wake up in the morning and you’re not sure how they got there, it’s good if they’re not sure how they got there either. Level playing field, my friends.

I went through some times when I was in a bad phase. Like a “drinking a little too much and acting like a downtown JC loser every day” phase. A “not my best self” phase. I mean we all have. It’s fine. But the best choice f-kboy for that phase was one in a similar phase, as far as me perceiving him to be in a similar phase. Perception is reality. He could have been having the best and most successful days of his LIFE, but he seemed not his best self to me so I felt okay wallowing in nonsense together until something much better came along.

Background noise for wallowing.

And then something/someone did! And that’s that, and I’m sorry to betray the single world by saying that. But in the end, maybe for you, if you follow these guidelines, it will be that a better f-kboy comes along. Or not just “comes along,” that you CHOOSE. And THAT is important.

PS I also feel like I have gotten to the point where I am the annoying friend that is in a relationship that is like, “omg tell me all your STORIESSSS!” to my single friends and I’m sorry.

the end.

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