i’m not a morning person but I play one on tv. or, how to be a morning person.

Oh did you come here to learn how to be a morning person? I’m sorry, I don’t know how to be a morning person. I mean I do know the way in which I individually force myself to be a morning person against my own will, but I’m not sure if it would work for you.

I mean maybe it would?! I guess it’s worth a try? So I’ll share this with you. When I talk to myself inside of my head and force myself to be one, this is how to be a morning person.

get enough sleep.

I mean, duh. But maybe not duh? I feel like no one else around me ever gets enough sleep. But I ALWAYS get enough sleep. I have made sleep a priority. I think sleep is the priority that I respect most in my life. I need at least 7 hours and I prefer 8. I will do everything in my power to get all of these hours in during a consecutive and consistent chunk, every single night. I will literally run out of the bar without saying bye, I do not care. Sleep is my only mistress and I report to her alone.

I have fought to make sleep a priority in my life and I will continue to fight for it. It’s very easy for sleep to slip away again, it’s true. People are always trying to get me to “go out” or “stay out” or “stay up and watch this thing” and I have to fight them off. FIGHT. THEM. OFF.

“Good sleep hygiene” sounds weird and maybe even gross and like something I may not want to think about, but it is important.

Many people in our culture pride themselves on not getting enough sleep and always doing work work work and being stressed out and they’re like “Hey look at me! I’m the busiest! This is a race to be the busiest and to make myself the biggest martyr possible and I will keep running in it and be a martyr and also be miserable until I die!”

And they are fools. Not getting enough sleep and working so hard that you hate your very existence isn’t something to be proud of. Take a breath. Take a break. Get it together. You’re doing it wrong.

use an alarm clock that imitates the rising sun.

This is one of my most FAVORITE discoveries of the last few years, as far as an item that helps with how to be a morning person. An alarm clock that imitates the rising sun?! What?! It is amazing. And it’s inside of your room, right next to your face. Frankly, almost inside of your face. So you practically BECOME and FULLY EMBODY circadian rhythm. And you subconsciously begin waking up before you even realize you’re waking up! So by the time the actual alarm goes off you’re like, oh…I’m already up. Here I am. Let’s go!

I also set this alarm clock at least 15 mins ahead. But I trick myself when I’m setting the time by making up a number which is anywhere within the 10 minute range of 15 mins ahead (which is easy, because I legitimately have dyscalculia and numbers make no sense to me) so it could be precisely 15 mins ahead but it could vary by about 5-10 minutes in either direction so I have to get out of bed to check an accurate time source just to know for sure. Speaking of that…

do not sleep with your phone in your room.

I’m not against technology by any means and I love my phone as much as the next millennial (YOUNG millennial, I don’t relate to the OLD millennials one bit, even though I’m technically an old millennial), but phones are enemies of sleep. She doesn’t relate to them one bit. So let the phone go. Keep it in the living room. Send your last text, like your last Instragram like, Slack your last co-worker, and put it down. And step away. And don’t pick it up until tomorrow. Don’t!!!

once you’re up, drink a drink!

If you’re a coffee person, get that coffee into you right away. RIGHT. AWAY. I am a coffee person but sometimes I go through phases where coffee takes me to another level of panic so I need to tone it down for a few weeks and I just chug water.

This isn’t rocket science, but when you wake up you are dehydrated AF and you also need to drink water. If you don’t drink/don’t need coffee and you just move straight to the water chug you are ahead of the game.

I want to try this rapid hydration mix to see how it works and you can get it for me for Xmas, plz.

shame yourself.

Honestly this is the only thing that works for me and I do it every single morning that I wake up before 10am. I repeat “GetUp GetUp GetUp GetUp” in my head until I actually get up. Then I start to guilt trip myself once I have ANY thoughts about going back to sleep. Sleep is my mistress but now that I’m awake on the other side SHE IS MY ENEMY AND I MUST RESIST AT ALL COSTS.

really take a minute to think honestly and candidly about the extra free time you are giving yourself because it is BAD. ASS.

When I went on a gals trip with my friends, my one friend and I were both a little embarrassed to admit that we were looking forward to “quietly drinking coffee by the lake in the early morning.” I mean I was definitely embarrassed because I felt like it made me sound like some kind of live laugh love basic bitch. But this early morning moment was and is crucial.

Unforch I’m not always by a lake, but every day in the morning I try to have this moment. Sometimes I drink coffee in silence and stare at the wall. Sometimes I drink coffee and listen to NPR because I’m a coastal elitist like that. Sometimes I stare out my bathroom window at the NYC skyline and zone out and forget what time it is so I have to rush to the gym. Take this moment and make it your own.

Beyond that first thing in the morning moment you will have SO. MUCH. EFFING. TIME. PERSONAL TIME. And it’s at the beginning of the day so you can put some quality energy into your personal life stuff. You don’t have to disrespect it with the scraps of half assed energy you have at the end of the day after work.

You can meal prep, you can zone out and watch The Today Show, you can LITERALLY WRITE THIS BLOG.

But seriously if you have any hobbies or (fun) personal development you need some time for THIS IS THE TIME.

Any time I wake up late (which happens, even using these methods) I then shame myself about ALL THE FREE TIME that I let slip through my fingers. And that usually keeps it from happening again soon.

fake it til you make it.

At some point in high school I think someone said that smiling releases chemicals that make your brain happy and I fully bought into that. I was like “oooo I just read The Catcher in the Rye and everyone is a phony and I’m mopey and moody about that but I’m gonna beat the system and be a phony too and make myself smile so I’m happy. <insert random 16 year old snark>”

And then I was like “Oh I’m so mysterious and complicated because I smile and people think I’m fine but I’m not fine.” OH WOEFUL LIFE!

But like, no one is fine. No one in the world. And the people that get the closest to fine are the ones that fake being fine until it’s true.

I’m NOT saying to never be sad or mad, or to ever hide or repress your feelings. But I AM saying that when you are tired and don’t want to get up, you need to fake that you’re not tired. And you need to CONVINCE YOURSELF that you are not tired.

And when you go to the gym at 6am after waking up at 5:15am and riding a piece of shit shuttle bus, you need to again CONVINCE YOURSELF that you’re not tired by saying good morning to everyone and smiling and getting stretched out and amping yourself up.

My thoughts when I open the door and enter the gym and walk up the stairs are “GET AMPED SHAN. GET AMPED AF. DO IT. YOU WON’T. DO ITTTT. AMPEDDDD!”

It is the only way. That is how to be a morning person.

I’m now realizing there is a lot of mind trickery that goes on with this. I guess it helps.

say good morning.

If you know me you know that I hate talking to strangers and dislike being spoken to by random people on the street. BUT, if giving and receiving “good mornings” helps you get more amped up then DO IT. I do it sometimes if I’m in the mood and it honestly makes me like 20% more amped. It most often happens on Saturdays when I say “Happy Saturday!” instead of “Good Morning!” Which I think is a genius greeting and more people need to say it.

Because every Saturday is a holiday and must be cherished.

stay on schedule.

They say this a lot. “They” being the internet and also science. You need to stay on schedule. I think they say if you deviate like an hour or two from your bed time or wake up time it will be okay, but more than that will send you spiraling back into staying up too late, insomnia, sleeping through your alarm, and NOT CLAIMING YOUR VALUABLE PERSONAL TIME. DON’T DEVIATE. STAY ON SCHEDULE.

I think that’s all I’ve got. I will say that I have never once in my life woken up feeling refreshed. I feel like shit and sleepy as hell every morning. It is a struggle to wake up and to get out of bed and I hate it. But all of these things help me trick myself into it. Maybe they’ll help you too!

Do you have any thoughts on how to be a morning person? Am I missing anything? Have you tried all of these things and none of them work? If so, I’m sorry. That’s hard. But maybe one day you’ll find something that works. You need that free personal time! Go get it! Dammit!

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