coat that covers your butt.

Well, it’s cold as shit and the outdoors is ruined for now. The other day I was like, “I wish I had a black wool coat that covers my butt, ugh.” And then two days later I was digging in my closet for a different coat and I was like, “oh yeah I got a black wool coat that covers my butt just last year for my birthday. Duh.” (Thanks Joy and Lexx!)

Black wool coat, covered in fuzz because I’m no professional.

coat that covers your butt – a history.

The idea of a “coat that covers your butt” has cracked me up since the first time I heard it. I remember I was working at MTV, my friend Melanie said it, and it was in reference to her “being an adult now” so she needed a coat that covers her butt.

And I laughed. But then I thought about it and I think it’s true. It’s mostly climate related and therefore regionally specific, but it’s true. And I had never even thought about it before.

I just want to make sure that you also are informed about choosing a coat that covers your butt. This is about you.

In high school I had a car to drive to and from places so sometimes I didn’t even wear a coat and I didn’t even care. Then in college we all had like, disposable garbage coats to wear to frat parties and we would throw them all in a pile and hope for the best. And inevitably our coats would get stolen, or we just couldn’t find them, and we would take someone else’s coat, and they would take someone else’s coat, and so on and so on.

The thing about these disposable coats was that NONE of them were a coat that covers your butt or covers ANYONE’S butt even if they fell asleep on a basement floor and used it as a blanket. But we didn’t need our butts to be covered because we drank so much Everclear that our butts and the rest of our entire bodies were completely numb and we never felt cold once in 4 years. I mean, I didn’t.

In my 20s and into my 30s it was a bit of a continuation of that, but once I lost weight I was freezing all the time and even now that I gained some weight back the chill remains. So I had to get some coats to cover my butt. it was time.

The other day at work my one co-worker who is a dude was like “it’s really cold, I think it’s time for me to get a coat that covers my butt.” And I was like wow, people, and dudes, are still talking about this. It’s a thing. And he’s around the same age I was when I first heard about this being a requirement for adulthood. Adorable.

In addition to making sure you know about choosing a coat that covers your butt, I wanted to do this post as a way of doing coat inventory. During the process I found at least 2 coats I forgot about, a coat I haven’t worn a single time, a pair of gloves in one coat’s pockets, and my pepper spray I’ve been looking for for at least two weeks.

My closet room is a black hole. And I apologize.

Maybe this will be helpful in some way if you’re looking into getting a coat that covers your butt. That’s a hard maybe.

the coats.

I’m modeling these coats in leggings, because we all know “leggings as pants” are traditionally only acceptable if the shirt you’re wearing covers 3/4 of your butt. I mean you can do whatever you want, and I wear leggings as pants with my butt not covered all the time because I LIVE IN NEW JERSEY. But I thought it would be helpful visual if I kept the traditional (restrictive, oppressive, patriarchal, etc) rule in mind.

Base layer. My butt is behind me, FYI.

denim jacket.

This is a denim jacket. It’s not a coat. It does not cover my butt. I like it for its simplicity and because I put a pigeon pin on it. The fun is over. I can’t wear this again til spring.

green bomber.

This is a newer light jacket and I like it because it’s a bit more bold than the denim jacket but still a neutral. But FUN. I think it’s from JCrew. They have fleece ones now and that’s prob a better choice. My butt is not covered by the bomber.

Yeah, made an eye roll face.

leather jacket.

This is a leather jacket. Its days are limited. It may be cool and edgy and have a belt, but it doesn’t cover my butt. But it’s from Kanibal and they’re the best and do have some great leather jackets always.

black…stuffed animal? coat.

I like this coat, it’s fun and it’s actually pretty warm. I guess we’ll never know if it covers my butt because of the way I’m standing. Don’t tell any of the sustainable fashion folks but it’s from Forever21. Here’s a similar one. Shhhh.

blazer coat.

One time I wore this coat and the guy I was hanging out with made fun of me because it’s from Old Navy. WTF is wrong with Old Navy, you moron. Anyway, this coat has butt coverage. A similar one, FROM OLD NAVY.

(fake) fur vest.

Here is a vest that can be used for layering over a jacket or coat that covers my butt. It’s just coming into its own season-wise and I like that it matches my hair. I got it for my birthday last year, from my boyfriend. I don’t know where it’s from. Thx.

cloak.

Okay, WTF is this cloak and why do I even have it? It makes me feel like a wizard. I don’t know where it’s from or why I have it, but it does cover my butt.

wool coat.

I already talked about this one but it’s my wool coat from JCrew that covers my butt. Pretty straight forward.

rabbit fur coat.

Omg this is a rabbit coat that I love. I’m sorry for the rabbits but it’s vintage so they already died in like the 80s I think, which is when I was born so it’s highly likely one of them was reincarnated as me, and this was just sitting in a vintage shop in Philadelphia so I figured someone should take care of it. I bought it at Retrospect Vintage in January of this year and it was warm enough that day to just wear this with a tank top and jeans. But it doesn’t cover my butt.

velvet puffer.

A velvet puffer?! YES. I got this for Xmas a few years ago and I’m obsessed with it. This is what I was looking for the other day when I found the black wool one. And then I found them both. It’s very warm and I wore it on an adventure this past weekend but it still doesn’t cover my butt. This is not the puffer pictured, but also a great puffer.

trench coat.

Trench coats are for rainy days so I hate them by association but if I needed to have one this would be it. So I have it. It’s from Target. I also found my pepper spray in the pocket when I was taking these pictures. Yessssss.

stole.

Fab is the only word I have to describe this stole I got at Another Man’s Treasure. You may have already seen it. Before this one I had one I got at Love Saves the Day in New Hope and I LOST IT DURING A BLIZZARD and I HATED MYSELF FOR MONTHS but then I got this one to ease the pain. And it’s my bestie. Also sorry for the animal(s) that died but its name is Eileen because that is embroidered in it. Love ya girl…but you don’t cover my butt.

fur coat.

Oh yes, also a fur coat that my Grammie gave me that was given to her by my Pop Pop in like the 70s maybe? Early 80s? Apparently it was an apology gift of some sort. Things change, things stay the same.

I found some gloves in this coat! And I had just lost my new gloves I got for this year.

FOUND EM.

This coat covers my butt, but it’s also missing a belt that I wish it had and maybe one day I will take it to a professional for repairs.

Actually since we’re talking about this does anyone know reliable, dependable and also cheap fur repair? I’m curious. I know nothing about it besides that I love it and I feel bad about loving it. And that’s a lot to unpack. So I’d just like to know about getting it repaired thx.

sleeping bag coat.

Lastly, the ultimate coat that covers your butt – THE SLEEPING BAG COAT! This is a staple in NYC wardrobes that I resisted getting for almost a decade because I was against it in principle. It seemed like too much.

I don’t want to be here.

And I still think it’s too much. It makes me SO EFFING HOT. But a couple of years ago there were a few under 10 degree days in a row in January or February so the following Xmas I asked for this.

This sleeping bag coat is from LL Bean and it does the job, when it’s needed. I hate hauling its ass around but it’s second to none when the temps go below zero. I also like that my mom chose brown because it’s still a neutral but just different enough from all of the identical black sleeping bag coats hanging next to each other at the gym, the bar, AND EVERYWHERE. I wouldn’t want anyone to steal it. Because then I’d have to steal someone else’s, and they’d have to steal someone else’s, and so on…

I guess the hood is fine.

In conclusion, I only have like 3 or 4 coats that cover my butt so I don’t think I’m an adult technically. Let me have that plz.

Which coat that covers your butt do you like best? When did you realize you need a coat that covers your butt in order to be an adult? Do you still resist owning a coat that covers your butt? I won’t be mad.

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