i hate salad.

Monday’s are the day when you’re like “I’m gonna start this day right! Im gonna go to the gym! I’m not going to eat 10 cookies for dinner! Not for weight loss purposes but just for general health because I love my body!” And then sometimes on a Monday it happens. You feel like you’ve successfully restarted.

And like, today I went to the gym, did okay, but frankly it is so hard to avoid eating 10 cookies for dinner.

There’s something beautiful about being an adult and making your own choices and no one can tell you what to do. Sometimes I take this sense of “no one can tell me what to do” to the extreme and toe the line of social convention and morality and then I jump over the line because morality is relative and perception is reality but today we’re going to talk about salad.

I hate salad. It is disgusting. It does not taste good. It makes my stomach feel weird in a way I don’t want to discuss with you. It’s gross.

I will include some photos of acceptable vegetables that aren’t salad. I just like the colors of these.

YOU can eat salad, go ahead. But if you do that smug hold your plastic salad container in one hand and twirl your fork for the last bits of lettuce with the other, and act like it’s the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten move, you’re no friend of mine. Minus more friend points if you eat half of it and are “so full” and have to put the rest in the fridge for later.

I forgot I made this but now I want it.

I’m not saying we don’t NEED salad. We’re omnivores (like some birds!) and we need food like salad to like feel good and shit. And I’m mad about that because I hate it but I’m not trying to get anyone to quit salad if they like it.

Omnivore pal! Seriously I heard these chickens killed a mole the other day though…

I’m just trying to say, that I hate it.

During the months when I was “dieting” and “eating healthy” I did not eat a single salad once. Okay that’s a lie. I probably ate the Cavolo Nero from Porta which is the only acceptable salad in the land.

Also from Porta, arugula pizza ❤️

Salads with kale are more acceptable because they are heartier but that kale must be massaged. One can’t eat kale straight out of a field. Human intervention before general kale consumption is necessary.

During this time of great weight loss I ate peanut butter and hummus and those flat pretzel chips for dinner most of the time. Peanut butter is the only thing I want to eat a lot of days. I really shouldn’t be trusted to watch over myself.

And this wasn’t good. I know it wasn’t good and I’m sorry. I know I didn’t get enough vitamins and this goes against the super trendy and also profitable ideas of “wellness” and “balance” but I did the best I could and I definitely didn’t want any spinach.

Vegetables in a cocktail, acceptable.

Maybe that’s also why I lost a lot of hair and it got very thin after I lost weight. I’m not here to tell people the right way to live. Just to talk about how I live. But OMG IT TOOK SO SO LONG TO GROW BACK YOU GUYS. I should have just eaten the spinach I guess.

You will never see me eat a salad unless my body is like “omg please stop killing me with this cookie stuff” and then I will eat some vegetables to appease it because it works hard for me and I love my body.

This was after I ate only breakfast tacos and BBQ for 3 days straight in Austin and was sadly necessary.

So no, salads aren’t for everyone trying to lose weight and I’m tired of them being a benchmark of “health” and “self control.” Salads to me represent a sad state of life and a repression of my true self.

While we’re at it, you can shove your self control. “Self control” was created to distract us so “the man” can get things done behind our backs while we agonize over not being able to control ourselves and compete to be the one that has most control. I’m mostly talking about women. Because women compete over their ability to self control themselves and the ones with the most self control WIN (and you may be aware of my thoughts on winning).

Oh you didn’t know that? That’s because you did not win and you lost, like me. But that’s okay. We don’t need self control to prove we’re important and smart and good people and contributing members of society.

We don’t need salad either.

Self control THIS. But seriously, it’s broccoli rabe Mac and cheese at Governor’s Ball.

My preferred vehicles for vegetables are smoothies, cheese, and dips. Also grilling with some spices will encourage me to eat them, or inside the stuffing of a taco, or on top of a pizza! (Also at Porta). If you think I’m going to waste my precious and valuable lunch hour consuming salad – you thought wrong.

Within the last couple of years, I have newly discovered that if you put a shit ton of green junk in a blender with some sweet and acceptable stuff like bananas, peanut butter, etc, YOU WON’T EVEN TASTE THE GREEN SHIT. It is magical and my preferred method for eating vegetables.

Another good method is making sure your vegetables are served with another mashed up and nicely flavored vegetable. Like mashed potatoes or even cauliflower mash! Cauliflower mash is a fun new innovative and delicious thing. And it might be better for you than potatoes but I haven’t done the research on that and they definitely still put butter in it so there’s that. And then you can bury the gross vegetables (mostly green stuff is gross to me) in the more enjoyable vegetables and shove them down and live to see another day.

Zucchini noodles and crispy turkey bacon and ricotta and Eileen Myles – acceptable.

I guess this really has no point but I wanted to use my platform to talk about how I hate vegetables and I’m sorry. Maybe you hate them too and needed someone to relate to. Maybe you love them but guess what you just took a trip to the other side and maybe you learned a little.

Acceptable vegetables – squash, green beans, peppers, cauliflower, MASSAGED kale, corn, beans but they’re different so maybe I shouldn’t put them here. Stupid vegetables – spinach, broccoli, all leafy stuff, mushrooms, beets, radishes, peas, etc.

I mean but these are very beautiful I’d give em a chance maybe.

This is the law of my land.

What are your best methods for sneaking vegetables into your body? I need to figure out some new methods that aren’t just mushing stuff together. Or maybe there are different and innovative ways of mushing stuff together. This can be to trick yourself or your children or your grandma or your dog or whatever. I will try anything. Wait should I just eat baby food? Hm.

2 thoughts on “i hate salad.

  1. YEA salads a pain in the ass.Good way to get veggies is soup or chili. But I do love corn on the cob, roasted peppers, and fried onions. Outlaw lettuce!

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