61 years ago TODAY leXX was born somewhere outside of Baltimore and just like crabs and ravens (the birds NOT the football team DO NOT EVEN TELL LEXX that you thought for a SECOND that I meant the football team), and John Waters he should be RESPECTED as a native son of the Charm City or at the very least the Chesapeake Bay State. “Isn’t leXX from Flemington, NJ?!” you may ask. Well yes he moved there when he was 12 or something and we have home movies of him on a European Tourrrr around that same time but his Maryland accent survives to this day when he says words like “wash,” “drawer,” or even the very word “Baltimore.” Go ahead, ask him to say it. NO I cannot do an impression for you, I’m terrible at accents.
LeXX most enjoys chocolate and other foods of a very sweet variety and can be seen frequently ordering “ten pumps of mocha and a turbo shot” added to any beverage he purchases at Dunkin Donuts. LeXX had never eaten a vegetable until Joy made him when he was like 32 years old. I respect his commitment to eating M&M’s by the handful at any and all times of day and his ability to pass this habit along to at least two of his children and both of his grandchildren.
LeXX never wears pants. DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR TO ANYONE? SOME OF US DON’T LIKE PANTS OKAY. LeXX wears shorts during all seasons and all weather except for in the summer when he has to go to work and “crawl around in attics” and “work with insulation materials,” which I think have LITERAL GLASS IN THEM, and it would be foolish to not wear long pants to protect his leg skin. LeXX shovels snow in shorts and the people stop to stare. Joy says LeXX wears shorts for attention but MAYBE HIS LEGS ARE HOT.
Also for attention LeXX used to have long wild hair. There is 100% a photograph of LeXX getting said hair permed in a friend’s living room in Lambertville at some point in the late 80s. I may also have a memory of being there but it could have been one I invented just from studying the photograph as a kid. I think I have a lot of memories I simply invented. I wasn’t home to find this photograph for this post. Anyway once LeXX fell victim to the steady march of time and lost his hair he started wearing and collecting what I will refer to as statement hats. And now in a post statement hat era he has started to become very interested in funny patterned socks. Joy supports both the statement hats and funny patterned socks more than she ever supported the long hair.
As kids we thought of LeXX as Joy’s 4th child, because she would always joke to people “I have 4 children.” LeXX would ride our bikes into the resort pool while we were on vacation and stand up dangerously on roller coasters and waterslides and jump around and yell excitedly and jump into the ocean and always get very tan. He would throw us around but in a fun way because little kids like to get thrown around.
I hate sports and games and I was born hating sports and games but LeXX made me play sports as a kid and I’m glad he did because it wasn’t THAT bad and if I wasn’t forced to try at least some sport I would have just stayed inside and read books all day and never spoken to anyone. LeXX often coached us in the sports so I didn’t have to worry about dealing with someone else’s dad telling me how to do the sports and I just had to hear it from LeXX who I had already heard it from so that made me feel better about the whole thing. I enjoyed gymnastics which I chose on my own but that was also more solitary and I had to learn team bullshit somehow. I also went through a period of a couple of years where I was super into running/track and field and I don’t know where the heck that came from but LeXX would run beside me and cheer me on when I did races and a few times I won and it was badass. Don’t ask me to play sports now though. I paid my dues.
LeXX always told me and continues to tell me that I can do things on my own and I shouldn’t ask other people to do them for me. This is why I do things on my own and don’t ask other people to do them for me. As a princess-y girly kind of little girl I once said “I don’t have to know how to do this, when I grow up my husband will do it for me,” and LeXX said “I wouldn’t count on it.” And I think LeXX had a crystal ball because I am 34 years old and I do not have a husband to do things for me but I CAN do all of those things on my very own or with the help of a YouTube video or with the help of a step by step text message written by LeXX. Personally I think a lot of people need to be more self sufficient and I get super annoyed when I see anyone acting helpless but maybe that’s my own issue i need to work on.
LeXX doesn’t like to stop. LeXX will continue to do shit and go to work even if he is very sick and he will never rest until he falls over. LeXX gets pneumonia all the time, in my mind he gets it every year, because what starts as a cold turns into pneumonia because LeXX thinks self care is for pussies. I swear he said that. Sometimes I think LeXX needs to calm down and take a little break already.
LeXX really, REALLY likes classic rock and he likes to listen to it and to quiz those around him regarding the artists, song titles, album, names, and meaning of certain lyrics. You can try to know as much as him but you won’t. You can try to know as much as me but you won’t be able to do that either. I’ve had a full lifetime under his tutelage. He loves ZZ Top and Elton John and will watch ZZ Top YouTube videos or listen to Goodbye Yellow Brick Road and sing and explain every song for literal hours. Sometimes he does both of these in one evening and I like to think of that as “LeXX’s Greatest Hits.”
Recently I had really bad heartburn for the first time and thought I was having a heart attack so started to have a panic attack and then I ate 10 tums but then I couldn’t catch my breath and got more panicked and ran downstairs and said “PARENTS!” luckily I was at their house and not my own house and then I projectile vomited and LeXX was like “WHAT DID YOU TAKE?!” like the part in Almost Famous where Penny Lane takes the quaaludes at the hotel in NYC and I was like “TEN TUMS” and he was like “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! ARE YOU INSANE?!” But then I calmed down and it was okay.
LeXX works very, very hard but he also has fun and I think he has pride in his ability to work hard and play hard. I would be proud if I was him.
Today is a day to celebrate LeXX! Let it be so! Send him birthday wishes if you know him. If you don’t know him, it’s time you do. I wish him a happy day of chocolate and sports and hanging out with his new best chicken friends. Love you LeXX!