jump rope is hard.

I’m a reasonably fit adult that enjoys working out but I can’t jump rope because jump rope is hard. It is completely impossible for me to do. Which is really frustrating for me! Because it’s good exercise and it definitely seems fun for those that have it figured out.

But jump rope is hard and I can’t do it.

As a kid I loved watching Sesame Street, like most kids. But the main reason I loved Sesame Street was because it had the little live video interludes where it showed kids in cities. City kids! I had a thing for city kids. Even at a young age I was bored as hell in my rural town and I loved everything city related. So if I saw kids in a place with concrete and a lot of buildings and not as many trees as the places I saw every day, I was like OMG CITY KIDS.

One of the things the “city kids” (based on my definition as a 5 year old), did in these interludes was jump rope. And they were so good at it! And they did it as a whole group! With some kids manning the rope and some kids jumping in and my mind was blown. I couldn’t wait to go to real school and have recess and learn to jump rope.

I knew I was gonna kill it.

Obviously I was wrong because I can’t jump rope at all to this day. Because jump rope is hard.

On the playground at recess and during gym class we were given these weird plastic jump ropes that made a loud ass sound when they hit the ground and that made me really nervous. I also realized that jumping up and then throwing a rope under myself at foot level and then jumping up again was a recipe for tripping myself and a guaranteed way to face plant.

I did not want to face plant. That’s the moneymaker, baby.

So I kind of gave up on jump rope after that. I watched others and sometimes flopped around with the rope, especially if it was gym class and they forced me to for a grade. But I no longer felt the excitement I felt while watching the city kids on Sesame Street. The love was gone.

A little later in childhood they came out with SkipIt, which was different than a jump rope but utilized the same skills. Needless to say I was not able to master the SkipIt or even get any reps around. It counted the reps I think? Bossy little thing.

We didn’t have it at our house because I thought it was trash but sometimes I would see a dormant SkipIt in the grass or the garage at a friend’s house and silently project into the universe, “My friend BETTER NOT make me use that SkipIt today because I will be PISSED.”

I think they got the message. My friends knew I was no athlete and I just wanted to play dress up and create elaborate historical narratives. I mean come on.

Later in high school when I WAS an actual athlete, I still could not jump rope. During this time time I was practicing cheerleading 6 days a week and had a competition or game on the 7th day. It was a lot. My body was very strong and in constant motion. I also didn’t drink so my fuel was relatively pure if you overlook my constant intake of bagels, spaghetti-o’s, and Oreos.

I still could not jump rope. And if they made us at cheerleading practice as part of conditioning I was PISSED.

Stuff I can’t do really pisses me off.

Jump rope didn’t really cross my mind again until a couple of years ago when it came up at the gym one day during a cardio song. They were like “Grab your jump ropes! Yay!” And I was like, “Not yay but okay.”

I struggled through this part of the class while mostly everyone else casually and expertly and happily jumped rope. This was fun and nostalgic for them! They remembered the happy times on the playground!

Those times did not come to my mind. I just struggled and got more pissed and gave up and just jumped up and down while holding the rope and hoped no one would notice.

The jump rope came up again at the gym this morning and I think I handled it a little better. I just did my own personal jump rope move that involves hopping over one foot at a time and tried to focus on not tripping and falling on my face and dying.

Because that DOES happen.

It’s possible I could learn how to do it, I guess. I do think people can learn new things as they get older. I like to think there’s not a cap on that. Even physical things! But within reason, like I’m not going to be able to teach my peers to do backflips because that time has passed. But jump rope seems like a reasonable and possible thing to learn if I tried hard enough, had a good teacher, and put in the reps/took the time to do it.

Maybe I’ll try.

Maybe.

At some point in the history of time I knew a guy that told me he went to a pier to jump rope on his breaks from working at a bar in Manhattan. This really charmed me for some reason. I guess I really admired his skill since I don’t have that skill.

Of course I never SAW him jump rope, I just assumed he had to be good at it if he was enjoying it on a pier in his free time.

As with everything, I created a story of him in my mind and defined him solely by my perception of him and I need to stop doing that and I’m sorry. But I pictured a pier in the Hudson River in front of the Manhattan skyline and the sun was setting and it was summer, and there he was, a city kid grinning and jumping rope in the golden light.

PS I’m unclear on the grammar/verb/sentence structure of this activity and was unsure if it was “jump rope” or “jumping rope” or whatever and I’m sorry.

first day of spring 2021.

YOU GUYS, it’s the first day of spring 2021. This feels like a really big day. A really important day. I’m not sure why but I’d like to explore it here.

Last year, the year 2020, we did not have a spring. We were trapped inside for WEEKS. We could go for walks but we couldn’t go outside for too long and we couldn’t GO ANYWHERE. Last spring was really, really hard. Everyone really, really hated it. Okay, you get it.

I remember going to Target one day last spring, it was the only place I felt I could go that was fun but also a grocery store. Because we weren’t supposed to go to fun places. We weren’t welcome there.

JK because fun places WERE NOT EVEN OPEN. THERE WAS NOWHERE TO GO. TARGET WAS ALL THAT I HAD.

So anyway I went there and the last time I had been there the trees had been bare but then this particular time they had flowers and I realized in this moment that all of my fav spring trees around the town were currently flowering AND I WAS MISSING IT.

This is from April 2020. Knife in my heart.

And then I cried. Just cried right there in front of Target, waiting in line for my turn to go inside wearing a mask and feeling weird and sad about everything.

Flowering trees are important to me.

But more than that, spring is important to me and I think spring 2021 is going to make up for last spring and also be its own spring and we’re going to have a great time.

We’ve already figured out some safe ways to do fun shit and in some ways the fun shit is more fun than before. for example, I LOVE SITTING OUTSIDE. I want to sit outside and eat every day forever and ever, amen. It brings me so much joy and I’m glad it kind of became a year-round thing even here in the northeast.

Let’s keep it! CAN WE PLZ KEEP IT.

It’s also now normal to meet up in parks in a big group as a social event. Maybe that was normal for some people in the before times but for me personally it wasn’t something I saw happen often. I guess for folks without kids it was more like “let’s do drunk brunch at a restaurant establishment.” But now ALL people are into drunk brunch BYOB picnic in the park type events and I am HERE FOR IT, as they say.

We have so many options for fun and safe things to do this spring and our cups runneth over and again it brings a tear to my eye. I can’t wait to get out there and greedily drink in everything this spring has to offer.

It’s going to be double spring so bring your allergy medicine and rain boots and baby chickens and I’ll see you there.

*I wrote this on Saturday 3/20. I know THAT was the first day of spring and not today. Thx.

madame claude at white eagle hall.

During Normal Times™️ White Eagle Hall was a fun, fab, fantastic place to see live music in Jersey City. I saw some of my most favs there: Best Coast, Waxahatchee, The Black Lips. LIFE WAS GOOD.

Life isn’t that good now but we DO have the option of dining at Madame Claude AT White Eagle Hall and I think that’s pretty great, you guys.

We can eat food and drink drinks AND hear live music! The folks playing the music walk around and play the music! We can be inside this really cool historic building that I actually really, REALLY missed and have a great night!

Last night we really had a great night.

I had a TON of La vie en rose cocktails. Definitely lost count but it was a ton.

A TON.

The La vie en rose cocktail has lychee and vodka and some other stuff but I was mostly in it for the lychee. And the lychee was in it for ME.

We had a charcuterie board as an appetizer. Because we do what we must.

For my entree I chose the salmon. IT WAS INCRED. GET THE SALMON YOU GUYS.

They were kind enough to allow us to outsource dessert because it was my friend’s bday. Like they let her bring in a tray of banana pudding from baonanas and a delicious cake. The birthday desserts were EXCEPTIONAL and I was glad we got to have them.

All night the band played jazzy music on stage and it set a wonderful mood.

It was a great choice of birthday venue for my pal and I’d love to go back.

The end.

i love a casserole.

I love a casserole, is that wrong? If it’s wrong I don’t wanna be right. I love it. Just throw all that shit in there together and bake it up. Boom. Food for days. You wanna talk about “meal prep”? This is meal prep INCARNATE. Midwestern grandmas have been meal prepping since at least 1907.

Tuna casserole, green bean casserole, and egg/breakfast casserole (I recently made one WITH GRITS) have obviously always been my favorites. But the appeal of a casserole goes beyond the shine of the MVPs in its category. The beauty of a casserole comes from its simplicity, the ease with which it can be prepared, the fact that you bake it inside the oven where the heat is safely kept away from you instead of cooking it over an open flame, and its ability to last as multiple delicious meals for at least a week.

A breakfast casserole I made recently. WITH GRITS.

The ingredients are simple! Just a couple of things! Most of them you don’t even have to prepare, YOU JUST THROW THEM IN. “Just throwing things in” is incredibly appealing to me. I hate cooking. It’s not fun or relaxing and by the time it’s ready I want to take a nap and I’m not in the right state of mind to even enjoy eating what I’ve just slaved over and gone out of my way to prepare. But casseroles help ease that feeling of disgust and aversion toward cooking. They’re like, “Hello friend! I am simple! JUST THROW THAT SHIT IN AND I WILL DO THE REST.”

Thank you, casseroles.

In addition to hating cooking overall, I am terrified of fire and extreme heat in any form. Fire KILLS people, destroys property, and is an ever-present danger that has been lurking around every corner waiting to claim us and everything we love since the beginning of time. I live in constant fear of the perils of fire and I’m not sorry.

Baking is okay, because the heat is contained in the oven. I still get scared and often do get small burns when I have to take things in and out, but the cumulative exposure to fire during a baking sesh is way less.

AND CASSEROLES ARE BAKED.

Most importantly, when you make a casserole it contains many servings! Like usually at least 6 or 8, if I have any idea of the math of it. Which like, don’t quote me on that. But it’s great that you just have to cook ONE TIME and you get enough food for MULTIPLE TIMES so later in your week or month or life when you really, REALLY don’t feel like cooking anything you can whip out the casserole to save the day.

Last year I made “Amy’s Hot Dish” when Amy Klobuchar was in the presidential race because I saw it on some website and I wanted to try it. I had never eaten or even heard of “hot dish” before so it was an exciting anthropological moment for me. There is some debate about “hot dish” vs “casserole” and what each one means but in the end they’re essentially the same in that they are both AMAZING. It’s worth noting that the sacred ancestral food of my forebears and the great and powerful Garfield, lasagna, is also a casserole.

Yes, it’s a casserole, calm down.

It’s some delicious shit all mixed together and congealed into a rectangular shape that yields multiple servings.

And I love a casserole.

listening is hard.

I’d just like to express an idea, and maybe some of you will be able to relate, but listening is hard. Listening is like, really, REALLY hard. I honestly have a really terribly hard time with it.

I am not a natural listener. I am naturally inquisitive, and I love to ask a ton of questions and I love finding out new information a ton more. But parsing through what I’m listening to in order to glean that information is quite difficult for me.

It could be because I’m deaf in one ear, and I do think that has a lot to do with it. But I also think it has to do with the way my brain works. In that naturally I am one of those much maligned “waiting for their turn to talk” people. OMG the WORST people. I am one. Hi, hello.

Talking is easy! Talking COMES easy. It’s very easy to find something to talk about. It’s very, VERY easy to find something to say in response to something someone else says. Opinions! I love them!

Well, I love mine.

For a long time I told very, VERY long stories. I think they’re still pretty long but either way they are now shorter than they were before. Because I had to take a long, hard look at how I communicate and I saw I was kind of being a dick. And a really boring one. The most boring kind, someone who tells long stories that never, ever end and everyone listening wants to escape and they don’t know how to do it without seeming mean.

And I’m SORRY. I’m sorry I put some of you in that position, and I hope I’m doing better. It’s something I work on! But I also work on being an “active listener.”

I read about “active listening” once and I was like wow that sounds like a great thing that I am 100% NOT doing so I’m going to start trying it. And I did! And I have seen improvement in my listening skills, since I started working on them. But that doesn’t mean listening isn’t still hard.

BECAUSE LISTENING IS SO HARD.

You have to use your entire brain, YOUR ENTIRE BEING, to really give someone your full attention in the most respectful and appropriate way. And I’ll do it. Yes, I will do that for you. But I will be very tired at the end.

Recently I was out and about and suddenly I got very tired and couldn’t stand to be out among people for another second. I really just had to leave, I couldn’t take it anymore. And when I asked myself why I was so tired, I realized I was tired of listening. IT WAS EXHAUSTING. And I don’t think we should be expected to do it all the time. Or at least we should get some breaks from listening at that level. Because it’s a lot to deal with.

Now that I think about it, this is what happens every time I’m out and about. I will always end up reaching a saturation point where I can no longer listen to another word another person says. I need to leave. I need to leave FAST. Because listening is hard and I can’t do it anymore.

So the next time we’re hanging out and I all of a sudden have to go, it’s not you. Well actually in a way it IS you, but it’s my fault in that I no longer have the capacity to listen to what you’re saying. My ears are full, my head is full, and I need to go home and sit in blissful silence and stare into sweet nothingness to recharge. I’ll catch you next time.

humane mouse trap.

I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you about my humane mouse trap. I set it a couple of weeks ago and finally caught a mouse this morning. It seems like there’s a certain amount of staking out the area that the mice do so it didn’t work right away. But it worked now because here is the mouse!

This mouse…IS SO INCREDIBLY CUTE, you guys. I can’t even look at him. It brought tears to my eyes to see how big his little ears are compared to his little body. His big-little ears? Either way, THE EARS.

And I forgot how very tiny mice are up close. Just so so delicate with tiny little feet and eyes and whiskers. I’m going to cry again ugh.

We started having a “mouse problem” a couple of months ago. They kind of just hung out a little at first and I would see them run along the wall sometimes early in the morning and I’d be like “haha mouse!” But I honestly didn’t really care because I looked around and cleaned and they hadn’t made a mess or any trouble anywhere so it didn’t seem like a big deal.

But about a month ago some mice ate a WHOLE LOAF of wheat bread on the counter. Like they didn’t eat the entire thing but they started at both ends and tunneled through it. They had a FEAST and they met in the middle and probably had sex on it. That’s expected behavior. And they also BROKE INTO a box of coconut Belvitas and chewed up some and took some to go and left them strewn about.

Although I’m not afraid of mice and I think they’re adorable and actually enjoy their company, I do know that they’re filled with terrifying bacteria and germs due to their life on and under the ground and inside of walls and among garbage. Like you can get pretty sick from a mouse or stuff that lives on a mouse and that’s not ideal.

So the fact that they had infiltrated the apartment’s food supply led me to order some traps online.

These mice lost their little rodent minds and normally it wouldn’t bother me too much BUT THEY MESSED WITH MY FOOD AND NO ONE MESSES WITH MY FOOD.

I know mice have to eat too, I get it. But I don’t want them to eat my food that I have not offered to them. They broke the rules and are being bad friends so they gotta go.

But I cannot BEAR to see a dead animal in my home under any circumstances and it’s simply not good for my mental health to set a TRAP OF DEATH rigged with a TRICK SNACK so that another LIVING BEING can go to try to eat the snack and get its NECK BROKEN.

I just CANNOT be the cause of that.

If it gets eaten by a cat, fine. That’s the circle of life. A hawk, even better. EVEN MORE BADASS.

Do you know what’s NOT badass? Tricking them into death. I won’t stand for it. I can’t do it. I’m going to barf just thinking about it.

I’m sorry.

So the humane trap! I ordered some! I set one up! First I put peanut butter in as bait and no mice came by. After a week I tried more peanut butter. Still no customers.

Then I got an idea! Belvitas! They loved those and even tried to carry them away! Let’s get em!

During this same time period I also put all foods present in the apartment inside air tight plastic bins, which is what I’ve done to get rid of mice in the past and it’s always worked. Now that I’ve caught this mouse maybe I should just stop trying to lure more here and stick to the plastic bin thing? I’m not sure. Because one did not show up for literally weeks.

But eventually, this guy came to visit and I trapped him, safely AND HUMANELY. I studied him for a moment and looked up some facts. He was a house mouse. That’s an actual species of mouse. They can breed at 1 month old, have a gestation period of 21 days, and litters of 5 or 6 babies…and they can have a litter of UP TO 14.

This is why they are snacks for other animals. Like rabbits and other rodents, THERE ARE SO MANY AND THEY QUICKLY MAKE MORE. Their whole community is essentially a bag of chips. Or maybe like a box of donuts. I guess it depends on how big the predator is.

I also learned that they only live 16-18 months, which is interesting and kind of made me sad.

I vowed that I would make sure this mouse lived his best life. Or something like that. Basically I just carried him a little over a mile from my house and released him in a large, vacant grassy lot. I think the best idea would have been to bring him to Lincoln Park but it takes me 15 mins to walk over there and I had other shit to do so I dropped him on my way.

He ran right into the road and under a blue minivan, because no good deed goes unpunished. But then he came out on the other side and dove safely into a gutter. He was on his way!

I’m pleased with the results of the humane mouse trap and would use it again. WILL use it again if I notice other mice poking around and eating my food that I DID NOT OFFER THEM.

Mice aren’t ideal to have inside your home but they’re very cute so I forgive them. It’s always fun and exciting to see local wildlife so I’m still riding high from this morning’s encounter.

HOUSE MOUSE!

community cleanup.

On Saturday I was glad to attend a community cleanup on Pacific Ave in Jersey City. I walk and bike and scoot down Pacific Ave a lot to get downtown and I was like yes I’d like Pacific Ave to be clean let’s do this.

So we did.

The cleanup was run by Clean Green Jersey City. We met up on Pacific Ave and were given trash bags and REALLY FUN TRASH GRABBERS.

Like really fun.

They gave us plastic bags to collect trash in and plastic gloves to wear. The plastic gloves went right over my regular gloves! The ones I wear FOR WARMTH.

We were told to go in pairs or off on our own and I was like “I choose off on my own byeeee” and it was very peaceful and calming to zone out and pick up trash for an hour or so. I’d reccommend it.

There were a lot of empty alcohol bottles. Like an insane amount. I think I also came across some road kill that was in an advanced state of decay.

Cool.

But as I picked up trash I could see the street start to look better right before my eyes! I’m not making this up. It seemed really great. There’s a lot of trash around the town and it would be great if we could clean more of it up.

It’s as simple as that.

Before I went to the cleanup I was thinking about whether it would make me more sensitive to seeing trash around. Like if I didn’t notice trash before, would I notice it more now?

And for the last 48 hours…yes. I have been noticing trash WAY more. THERE IS SO MUCH TRASH OUT THERE.

My own street on The Hill is a huge trash fest. There is a local man that walks up and down the street with a grocery cart and he picks up some of the bigger trash and carts it away but street cleanup isn’t a one man job! It’s not a one SHAN job either, I think we should get a crew over here. And maybe we will someday!

In the meantime there are other community cleanups happening soon in our Jersey City community!:

You can sign up via their Google doc.

Go pick up some trash, it feels great and it’s great for the town and the land and the other folks that live here, too.

Woo!

i hate jeans.

Guys, I really hate jeans. Like really, really hate them. And I’m going to reflect on that here. Because like, don’t hate, pontificate! But also I hate them. Additionally I will share some photos of me in jeans to display my ability to cavort comfortably with the enemy.

Let’s begin.

I hate jeans because they’re uncomfortable. THEY ARE SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I have never felt comfortable in jeans. I’ve tried every fit, brand, fabric, etc etc and I’ve never felt like my best self wearing jeans. There are some that fit great! And they look good in pics! And they feel OKAY but I wouldn’t say that I feel COMFORTABLE and like I can take over the world or anything.

They’re just jeans.

And that’s my second problem, they’re JUST jeans. I am so BORED by them. They’re classic and basic and predictable and I don’t want to be involved in any of that. That’s not me! I’m weird and wild and wacky. I am ABOVE jeans. I have ALLITERATION.

Jkjk I’m not ABOVE them. Like they’re fine. Rock jeans if you feel like your best self in them. I just don’t. I feel constricted and restricted. They hold me back. I can’t even kick my leg or do a cartwheel. It’s trash. And the trash is on fire.

I say this because I have ripped many pairs of jeans while kicking my leg or doing a cartwheel. This is the reality that I must deal with. Those were tight jeans, yes. So why don’t I wear loose jeans? Who wants to wear loose jeans?! Not me.

I do like a high waisted wide leg jean though. That’s kinda my thing now. Getting back into that style from middle school (1996-ish), when Limited Too had those wide leg jeans and they had like a blue thing in the back so you could tell they were from Limited Too. It was all about labels and being able to tell where something was from in 1996. I think I had one pair? Or I imagined that and I had no pairs. Limited Too was pretty much Chanel level in its unattainability for me so I didn’t actually have much from there.

I couldn’t find these Limited Too jeans on the internet to show an example and I am PISSED.

Also, I just really love leggings. I LOVE leggings.

I remember as a kid my mom wore leggings all the time and I was like “<eyeroll>NERD,” (sorry mom) but in college leggings came back in a BIG WAY and I was like wait a minute my mom was totally on to something. Leggings as pants were okay for some time there in the early 2000s and that was a best life situaish. Leggings as pants with Uggs or $5 black Old Navy flip flops – PERFECTION. I wish we could go back but alas we cannot.

So we soldier on.

I still love leggings but now with a dress or tunic-like top and combat boots. Honestly any casual outfit that would call for tights I wear leggings instead. My legs are warmer and they’re more comfortable than tights. I have a HUGE bin of tights that has not been used in over a year.

Again, the leggings allow me to kick my leg and do cartwheels WHILE WEARING A DRESS. They offer FULL COVERAGE while upside down! My 4 year old niece inspires me in a lot of ways but one of the MAIN ways is showing me that you can wear leggings or bike shorts under a dress and then literally take over the world.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

Which is to say you don’t even NEED jeans. They’re useless to me at this point. If I wanna feel cute AND be an all terrain being I just wear my dress with leggings or bike shorts underneath. Boom. Ready to go.

When I was a little girl and I misbehaved, my mom would threaten me that my punishment would be that I would need to wear pants to school for a week. AN ENTIRE WEEK?! I would rather die so this threat made me behave. I assume I was probably pretty manipulative, or at least TRYING to be manipulative as a 6 year old, so really getting to the root of something I would hate and offering that as punishment was necessary.

Did this reinforce my already existing hatred of pants, or did it create it? I don’t know but either way I hate pants to this day and will avoid them at all costs.

After a year of COVID time only 3 pairs of jeans fit in my FILLED TO THE BRIM SO I HAVE TO YANK IT OPEN AND KICK IT CLOSED jeans drawer.

I have an entire huge drawer of jeans even though I hate them.

Shut up.

But now only 3% of them fit and I can’t decide if I should keep the ones that are too small in case I get a little smaller again from the singular act of moving around more in the outside world once that returns, or if I should throw them out. I just can’t decide.

I DO know that I DO NOT WANT TO BUY ANY MORE JEANS. BECAUSE I HATE THEM. I’m so frustrated by the fact that I don’t have many jeans that fit but also I don’t want any jeans so I’m kind of at a crossroads.

Hating jeans is specific to me, I’d like you to know. Like I don’t care if you wear jeans. Jeans are great for people who find them great! It’s okay! If I hated jeans on others I’d spend a large part of every day just hating and hating because so many people wear jeans. I would have an unsustainable amount of hate in my body and I would drop dead from the effort.

So you can have your jeans and I support you. BUT I DON’T WANT ANY.

you should work out.

You live and you learn or whatever and one of the biggest things I’ve learned in the last couple of years is that you should work out. By “you” I mean “me,” I’m just reminding myself. But I’d like to share why working out is so necessary to me and maybe that will inspire you too.

I’ve talked about working out before, I know. It’s just really burrowing a permanent place in my life and heart and I’d like to express that. I JUST LOVE IT OKAY. I’m not a doctor or a trainer or a therapist or even a front desk person at a gym so I’m really not authorized to dispense this advice but I’m going to anyway you’re welcome.

Working out helps me…FEEL NORMAL. For so long I felt awful – depressed, anxious, tired, fully nihilistic. I’m still fully nihilistic but the depression, anxiety, and tiredness are partly semi-cured by working out. I firmly believe in a “use it or lose it” mentality when it comes to working out. Once you stop using it, you lose it. But guess what? ONCE YOU START USING IT AGAIN IT’S NO LONGER LOST.

BOOM, BITCH. You can continue that cycle for all of your years on earth and then in the blackness that becomes you when you die. It’s a beautiful thing.

I used to be so pissed at people that worked out and liked it, so I get it. Those people suck. I AM that person and I think I suck. Like shut up. But you really have more options to hop on this rainbow sparkling iridescent endorphin train than you think!

By “work out” I mean “do any kind of physical activity that is reasonably attainable per your body, time budget, and level of athleticism.” By my definition, “working out” could mean like ANYTHING. Walking your dog, wandering around the park looking at birds, riding your bike to work, blablabla and so on and so on. Did you bake and get sweaty because baking requires old school grandma muscles you’ve never used? That’s working out, man! There are a lot of options and all of the options are good and okay!

UNLESS the option you’re trying out doesn’t feel great. This shit needs to FEEL GREAT. If it’s too hard and you’re dying, that’s not great. If it’s too easy and you’re not finding a pleasantly distracted place of peace and even ELATION, that’s not great. IT’S GOTTA BE GREAT SO FIND THE THING YOU THINK IS GREAT FOR YOU.

It might take some trial and error, but the best things do. That’s how you find a romantic partner, that’s how you find a therapist, a job, etc etc. Kiss the frogs and move along, you can do it.

I’ve arrived at a place where I can accept that cardio is trash. CARDIO IS STRAIGHT GARBAGE. I can only do cardio if it’s hidden inside a fun dance, there is a trampoline involved, or I’m running while listening to the soothing, hypnotic, distracting sounds of Nike Run Club. I WILL NOT, EVER AGAIN, run on the treadmill or elliptical or ride a stationary bike simply to get a certain amount of time in and burn a certain amount of calories.

THAT IS A JOYLESS ENDEAVOR AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT EITHER I’M SAYING IT RIGHT NOW PLEASE DO NOT KILL YOUR SOUL IN SUCH A WAY THERE IS MORE OUT THERE FOR YOU AND YOU’LL LOVE IT.

You can’t let working out be to lose weight or even to get in shape. I mean I guess you can if you want, but for most folks it’s going to feel joyless that way. Just bring some joy in, do a fun thing. Little kids run around in circles. Even little kids like me, who hated playing sports and would rather read books, spent some time running in circles every day. Just because.

BECAUSE IT BRINGS JOY.

I was inspired to go on this ridiculous work out tangent because I returned to my most favorite trampoline class at JaneDO early this morning, after a 3 month hiatus. Hopefully I only have to realize this one time for the rest of my life but THREE MONTHS OFF THE TRAMPOLINE IS TOO MANY MONTHS OFF THE TRAMPOLINE, YOU GUYS.

And this morning as I walked into class I was like “I’m le tired” but as soon as the music started up and we started stretching I was like “OH HELL YEAH IT IS ON, BABY,” and I jumped (ha) right back into it. Like every song was the best song I ever heard and I’m jumping up and down and looking at the instructor begging him with my mind to give us a cool move to do as the beat drops. Because doing a cool move as the beat drops, when it feels like you are inside the beat, THAT IS LIVING, PEOPLE.

And if you don’t want to live your life along with the beat dropping I don’t know what to tell you. The beat is in your mind. You make the beat. You should work out.

briogeo scalp revival.

Just want to share about the Briogeo Scalp Revival Kit I tried yesterday. I guess I don’t really have any results yet but I will let you know my experience and maybe update with the results if I remember.

My scalp is a disaster. I realize it’s probably not socially acceptable to admit that because it’s like a MESSY and UNSIGHTLY problem but it is a DISASTER. It is very dry and uncomfortable and I’ve tried many things and none of them have worked.

I haven’t gone to the dermatologist and asked her so I guess that’s the next step. I also have to go and ask her about the skin on my face constantly breaking out because THAT is an additional terrible disaster but let’s handle one thing at a time for now.

There are a lot of products for scalp problems! I’ve tried the classic Head and Shoulders and that did work for many winters, but it does not work now. Not sure how I managed to level up beyond its ability to help me. But I’m honored.

Just kidding I am NOT honored because I had to try this disgusting black tar Neutrogena shampoo and it actually smells and feels like tar. OMG I JUST LOOKED IT UP AND IT HAS ACTUAL TAR IN IT. The smell of it sickens me and makes me want to die and it totally dries my hair out and ruins it for at least two days so I was only using it once a week on Sundays and slathering an overnight hair mask on after.

It didn’t even work. It was disgusting and awful and IT DIDN’T EVEN WORK.

Maybe because I only used it once a week but honestly that’s all I could tolerate and I’m sorry. I don’t like to be a brat and hate on things so I’m sorry for that too. Neutrogena, forgive me.

But that shit didn’t work so it’s ON TO THE NEXT MY FRIENDS.

The Briogeo kit arrived last week but I waited until my lunch break yesterday to use it. I was actually really excited to open it up and try it out.

The best part is it has a little scalp rubbing tool and I thought that would be really fun. AND IT WAS.

Both the shampoo and conditioner made my scalp feel tingly and that was delightful.

AND THEY DIDN’T SMELL LIKE TAR.

I finished it off with the scalp oil and a hair mask because my poor hair is very dry and a hair mask is always necessary.

As my hair dried I noticed that my scalp was…still dry. Which is so so incredibly annoying. LIKE STOP ALREADY. I think I’m going to have to use this kit a couple of times a week for a few weeks and then report back on the results.

Fingers crossed that THERE ARE RESULTS to report on.

Ugh being a human is exhausting.